Teyla's Choice
by Ann Pendragon
Summary: “There was no choice, John.” Teyla cried. “The ancients help me. There was never any other choice…”
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** I don't know why, out of all the other characters or pairings in TV land, I felt inspired to spill out a piece on these two? I don't even have the time to get into FanFic right now, but I had to write something. I guess it was how I see John Sheppard and Teyla that did it. For all of his man of action intensity and snarky smart ass humor, I also see this dark, emotionally fragile and alone bit of him. Maybe he isn't the best at voicing his feelings, but damn can he show them in his actions of self sacrifice every other Friday. And I like Teyla and him because they are both strong people and they both seem to care for one another more than either have expressed aloud. And I think that both have found something in the other that they had never found before or didn't think they needed but now understand that they do.

This little piece came about when I was watching a repeat of the season before and saw Search and Rescue this season. Remember the Jumper that Sheppard and the gang could not find when they were trying to escape with Teyla and her baby from the Wraith ship? Or how Michael said that all of his creations were still 'his' or something along those lines. Unfortunately for Kanann, he had been one such creation/experiment. I think Michael is smart enough to burry a 'back door' in Kanann's tampered with mind to use later when it's not expected. AND I don't see Kanann's character living out the season. I just don't see a spark with him Teyla or find the character much of any good use except for being a baby sitter and pawn to a dramatic story line down the road.

**WARNING:** Curse words and angst. Last minute and un-beta'd, so we got some mistakes kids.

**Teyla's Choice**

by Anne Pendragon

"How could you?" Teyla's voice was not yet a scream and her question sounded more like an anguished plea.

It had been two days since they had shared the same space, more since they had spoken and it was five days ago since Teyla Emmagan was forced to kill her childhood friend and the father of her child.

John closed his eyes, standing in the corner of one of the cities balconies where she had finally backed him into. Col. John Sheppard was no coward. There was little he feared or could not endure and this fact was never doubted by anyone who knew or served under the man. But this… To have this woman-this person who'd become so very important to his life-standing before him with all the hurt and heartache in her eyes. To know that he had a big hand in putting it there, because of what he did not do… John Sheppard the man was frightened and ashamed. And seeing her like this-in so much pain, he could not endure. Not this time.

"I'm sorry." He croaked out, knowing it was not enough to give her to replace what she had lost. "I'm sorry we couldn't stop Michael from reactivating his control on Kanann. I'm sorry we couldn't stop Kanann from attempting to take you and Torren away. I'm sorry-I'm sorry you lost him, Teyla…"

"No John!" Teyla's yell cut through him. Silencing him and opening his eyes to her anger. "Why—how could you let him try to kill you? Why didn't you defend yourself? Why?" Her voice broke. She needed to understand this. Had to know why John Sheppard had laid his gun down with no fight and allow Kanann to point his gun to his chest.

John's brow began to darken as he looked into her angry face incredulously. This wasn't what he'd expected. What the hell did she mean? He had no choice… "I never wanted-I didn't think you were still there on the planet. I thought the Prometheus had already beamed you aboard outside the bunker…"

"But they hadn't, John. And I couldn't leave…" she trailed off and then began again. "I had to shoot…I couldn't let him…" her words faltered once more, but her eyes did not draw away from his anguished and confused stare. "Why John…?"

"Because, Teyla." John barked out quickly, swallowing hard on the pain these words made him feel. "I couldn't kill the father of your son. I couldn't kill the man you love." His eyes widened as tears began to fill her eyes and then silently fall. "Alive, you may have had a chance to fix for good what Michael had done to him. I couldn't take that chance away from you and your son."

Teyla felt her broken heart clench and her breath temporarily cease in her chest. He'd once said and many times proven that he'd do anything to ensure her and their team's safety-there lives. But this? He had been willing to sacrifice himself; he would have if she had not stubbornly stayed behind after Torren was sent up to the ship and to safety.

Teyla's eyes sharpened through her tears as she looked closer at her and her son's self appointed protector, this brave warrior, this good man who seemed to feel that his own life was so expendable to those who cared for him—who loved him. Understanding this so clear now, Teyla felt an undefined pressure begin to build within her chest and felt anger flare...

"Damn you!" Teyla yelled, her fists coming out and striking him. "Why?" she yelled again, now already knowing the answer. If she had not been there to make the horrific choice between his life or Kanann's, John would have willingly sacrificed himself for the off chance that she may be able to have her family safe and whole someday. This was why she almost lost him, too. Didn't he see? Didn't he understand that if she had lost him, her family never would have been whole, nor her heart? Not without him.

When Teyla had begun to punch him, John let her. He took each painful slam of her fists, wishing her pain to enter him through the contact, knowing he deserved more for failing her and her family. He would have let her do more to him if he knew it could take her hurt away.

With each hard hit she took to his solid body he did not react and only swayed back into the wall with each impact. He was letting her hurt him and realizing this was killing her. It should be her who was being hit, her being punished for thinking and feeling the things she did right then.

Her fists slowed and became open hands and when her blows ceased she began to yank at his jacket and shirt. She had begun crying at some point, the sobs loud now as he pulls her into his chest. He holds her like she is precious and fragile and not been bloodying him and bruising him seconds before. The knowledge of this make's her cry even harder.

"I'm sorry, Teyla." John's own face now slicked with foreign and irrepressible tears. "I'm sorry I made you choose…"

What she said next, before she pushed from him and walked back into Atlantis, shook him to his core.

"There was no choice, John." She cried. "The ancients help me. There was never any other choice…"

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

"There was no choice, John

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Thank you guys for such amazing reviews, for your time and for your patience waiting on the next installment of what I believe will be a three shot. You know who you are; I upped the angst for ya! I just hope I'm not too AU with these characters. I'm not far enough inside the characters heads to be happy with what I've written but I like the characters too much not to write…

I'll admit (and I am embarrassed to say) that I have not seen all of the episodes or all in order. I guess that can be my pleasurable homework. Give me a shout if something doesn't hit well. I like and need the input.

Also Sheppard's quote from his dad is a slightly changed one by Paul Valery. And '_La La Lu_' is a song from 'The Lady and the Tramp'.

Aaaand if you haven't, check out YouTube for the shipper and general vids. 'Holdin' You - John/Teyla Stargate Atlantis Fan Video' realy works for me when I think of them.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids.

**Teyla's Choice**

by Anne Pendragon

"_There was no choice, John…" _

The Colonel raised his palms to his eyes and pushed in, trying to push her words around in his head so they could make some sort of sense. His body still humming with adrenaline, he rubbed roughly at his face and then his hair, making it salute. Turning towards the star strewn sky he took a deep swallow of sea air, hoping to calm the pace of his heart and thoughts.

"_The ancients help me. There was never any other choice…" _he heard her voice in his head once more.

"Damn it!" John yelled out in frustration over the roar of the sea, his hands now knuckle white on the balcony rail. She'd left him no more than minutes before and he hadn't been able to sort out what her words made him feel or at least pick from the top five that were ricocheting between his heart and gut.

Anger at self and situation? Check. Guilt? Guilt was too good a friend of his not to have over for the proverbial beer after turning his or someone else's world upside-down and on its ass end. 'She_ killed the father of her son to save my life and I put her in that position.' _The guilt for that—not only that—but the fact she had chosen him and it made a small piece of him, the prehistoric male piece of him, feel warm inside—hopeful? _'What kind of sick bastard does that make me? _So a big check beside guilt.

How about sadness for what Teyla and her son had lost, sadness for the pain he wished like hell she didn't have to endure. And then the regret he felt for not telling her a long time ago just how much she really meant to him—what she continued to mean to him. And then there was the fear, the paralyzing fear in his heart…?

John lowered his head to his chest and took in another deep shuttering breath, now trying not to think on the things his heart feared. He didn't want to open that door or walk through it, not yet or not ever if he could help it.

"_To enter one's own self-own heart, it is necessary to go armed to the teeth." _

The irony that it was his father who gave him those words of wisdom and that they were the only ones John had decided to keep was not lost on him. Both men kept a 'do not disturb' sign on their heats and neither had been all that brave stepping past their own barriers, let alone facing the things they felt inside. Hell, anytime John was ever forced to 'enter one's own self'' his own self usually kicked his ass.

Shaking his head in disgust at himself, John turned from the balcony and entered back into the city. He stopped in the main hall and looked down the passage to where she had run. He knew where she had gone to—who she had returned too, all snug and now fatherless in his crib. John took in a soul defeating sigh and headed the other direction. _'I-I can't…not yet.' _He told himself as he turned away from one more moment he would never get back._ 'You're a coward, Sheppard!' _

John's walk through Atlantis was silent this time of night, only the skeleton third shift randomly patrolling the halls or working in the control room, and the city itself were awake at this hour. Each step the Colonel took through Atlantis's halls, another light woke for him and then dimmed again at his passing, another door opened as the ancients genetic foot print that resided in John made the mighty city of Atlantis function at his unconscious bidding. He paid it no mind and even less so now, his mind heavy with another Atlas worthy weight he'd chosen to place upon his own shoulders.

She told him she didn't have a choice?_ 'Bullshit!'_ Bullshit because **he** aloud what **he **should have done, to be placed in her hands and she was forced to choose. _'Of course she had a choice, but she couldn't have chosen me…!' _John felt confusion clench his chest. _'She's only known me for five years, she's known him a lifetime. He was the father of her child for Christ sake! He was the man she chose, the man she l…'_

John stopped mid step and the lights in the hall around him brightened as if on que. "I'll be damned!" He exclaimed, realization smacking him up side the head with a startling whack.

John ran flat out; back the other direction, his feet trying to keep up with the speeding beat of his rattled heart. All the other emotions inside him, the sadness, the fear, were quickly dropping away and being replaced by ever elusive hope. The hope she gave him the day he walked into her life and she became a part of his. _'God, what if I'm right? Does she?'_

Before he reached his destination, he heard Torren John's plaintive sobs. Stopping outside Teyla's door he heard her angelic voice…

"La La Lu

La La Lu

Oh my little star sweeper

I'll sweep the stardust for you.

La La Lu

La La Lu

Little soft fluffy sleeper

Here comes a big cloud for you."

It was an Earth lullaby, the one she had caught him singing to Torren only a few months before. He'd made her swear to secrecy about the whole thing while she smirked knowingly at his embarrassment. The big and tough head military guy in charge had a rep to protect…

"La La Lu

La La Lu

Little wondering angel

Fold up your wings for tonight…"

He felt his heart pull and his throat constrict, hearing her melodic voice sing to her child the song his mother once sang to him when he was a baby. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.

"La La Lu

La La Lu

And may love be your keeper…"

He heard her voice break away. It seemed that her son had finally fallen into contented silence. It was his mother's sobs John now heard coming through the door. Without thought, John raised his hand to her door and then stepped inside.

He stopped breathing when she turned to him, her dark eyes filled with tears and her resting son nestled in her arms. God help him, she was beautiful even in her sorrow. Taking a tentative step forward and then two, his eyes held hers till he stopped before mother and child.

"May I?" John broke the silence, looking down at his name sake and then back to her frozen stare.

Without a word, Teyla carefully laid her son in his arms. He could not help but shiver when the soft skin of her forearms and hands brushed over his in the exchange. He watched her wipe at her face, her eyes now focused on her son. And then she quietly stepped away into the shadows of her room.

Slowly, John's attentions turned to the small life cradled in his arms and found the carbon copy of Teyla's eyes looking up at him with sleepy contentment. He remembered the first time he had held the child, piloting a stolen dart to safety with his team it the belly and the babe in his arms. He'd promised the child the same promise he'd given his mother years before. The promise to protect—to do anything for—to be apart of his family…

"You said…" he trailed off. Clearing his throat he began again, his voice gentle on the early morning air. "You said that you had no other choice…" He watched her turn back to him while he continued to rock the baby in his arms.

She stepped back out of the shadows, but didn't answer his question. He didn't need her to. But he needed to hear the answer for his next.

"Do you love me?" his words filled with his fragile hope.

He felt his entire body jump when her eyes rounded and she began to shake in her spot. Quickly he joined her in her spot in the shadows. Leaning forward with her child still folded in his arms, John brought the three of them against one another for support. Automatically, his forehead dipped down and his eyes closed when he felt her forehead against his own.

"Do you love me, Teyla?" he pleaded desperately.

The nod he felt against his forehead filled his heart and his eyes with unmanly tears. Five years. Five years and he never believed it possible that she could feel the same way. Five years of him burying what he felt for her—what he wanted of her, because he believed it was the right thing to do and the best for both of them. In the end what was best for him was standing right in front of him all along. He'd just been too much the coward to see. John cleared his throat and tried to form words that wouldn't make him cry like a little girl.

"Why didn't—why didn't you tell me?" he finally strangled out. He felt her hands come up to his arms and squeeze. The simplest of her touches were making his entire body shake.

"I didn't think you wanted…" her emotions getting the best of her voice. "You never let me in. I only wished to respect your wishes..."

"I was wrong, Teyla. I was so wrong!" John let out a mirthless chuckle at his own stupidity and his cowardice. "You're my best friend and I'm a better man for having you in my life. You've shown me that mankind isn't just a pack of selfish bastards. You make me believe. You give me hope…" he breathed in a wavering breath, not use to giving so much of himself in words. "Hell, just being near you has become the only thing that's kept me sane in this place and that's only on most days. I didn't want to loose that. I couldn't risk it." He spoke aloud one of his greatest fears and oddly found it lesson if only a fraction. "I just couldn't risk loosing what I did have with you for a pipe dream…"

"Pipe dream?" Teyla quietly questioned the Earth slang.

"It's a dream, a hope some one has even when what they want seems unrealistic. You wanting someone like me—that was unrealistic…"

"You dreamt of me?" the Athosian's voice breathless in her interruption. John nodded his head against hers.

"All the time." His voice broke. Did he tell her it was those dreams of her that gave him comfort when Hell was being thrown at them and he was the one responsible for catching it? That it was his dreams of her that helped chase the nightmares away, both new and old? Till now he thought his dreams were all he could ever have.

"And as for not letting you in?" he cleared his throat once more. "You are further inside me than anyone I have ever known. You know me so well that it scares me sometimes." John hoped the movement against him was her brows quirking from a smile.

"I love you, Teyla Emmagon, daughter of Tagan." He closed his eyes when he felt her sob at his admission. "I'll take of you whatever your willing to give me, but I can't loose you. Just tell me we can get through this. Tell me what you want me to do and I will. I…" John's words stopped when he felt her body shake with another sob.

"Then hold me, John. Please hold me."

John took a step away, meeting Teyla's shimmering eyes and then nodded silently. Turning towards Torrens crib, John placed the still peaceful child amongst the soft bedding and then rested his broad hand gently upon the child's little body to feel him breathe and his heart beat. When he turned back to Teyla, he found her intently watching, her eyes glowing with a warmth he now knew she only shared with him and the little squiggling bundle in the crib. In two steps he had her in his arms and crushed to his chest.

"I love you, John." Teyla spoke the words that brought back the lump in his throat and make him hold her tighter. "I think I fell in love with you the first day we met."

"Wow, that long." John spoke without thinking.

"Yes John. That long." She smiled into his chest from the wonder in his voice. "It was that first meeting." Teyla paused. "It wasn't the fact that you looked at me and not through me like your superiors. At the time I swore you were looking inside of me too." Teyla pulled back and met his gentled eyes, finding his hand she placed it upon her heart. "I knew my life was never going to be the same the day I met you.

"Do you regret…"

"You opened an entire world to me, John." Her eyes narrowed, interrupting such an absurd thought. "You have become my people's protector, my strength and my trusted friend, my heart…" Teyla shook her head at this man, who never seemed to realize just how much he meant to the world-worlds around him. "Knowing you and the people of Earth has given my people hope; give me hope that our futures don't have to end in the next culling."

John swallowed hard and then momentarily looked away. Uncomfortable to have so much heart felt accolades shot his direction. "I guess that's a no then?"

Teyla smiled at his discomfort, she'd expect no less a reaction. "That would be a no."

"And there is that whole loving me thing." His lips quirked along with Teyla's brow. It felt good seeing her smile at him again.

John studied her face quietly for a moment before pulling his hand from her heart and swept it over her cheek then though her hair. He felt her nervous intake of breath and grinned, his eyes never leaving hers.

When his lips met hers this time he wasn't a man whose inhibitions had been dropped by some DNA altering bug virus. He was a man making promises from his heart that he hoped to God he could keep. Tenderly, reverently he kissed the woman who never stopped believing in him even when he'd thrown in the towel on himself. He held the woman who had inspired him in such an elemental way, help make him a leader and taught him how to love.

He felt on fire, he felt like he was in a dream. Maybe this was too early for her—for them. The father of her child dead only five days, but he needed her—he needed this. He was quickly relieved when her lips and her body began to react with his own. Both of his hands slid deep into her hair as she pushed tighter into his embrace and he warred with the desire to start working on one of the many fantasies about her he had played out in his mind. He needed to feel her, now that he could…

"John…!" She gasped. He swore he heard her yell in his mind and it quickly caused him to pull away.

"God Teyla. I'm so sorry!" His eyes wide with panic, but found no such emotion in hers.

"No—John, please don't be. I'm not." A deep flush bathed her cheeks. "It's just—I just…"

"I know—I should have known." Brows creased over a nervous smile and he lowered his forehead back to hers once more in a comforting touch. Slowly he slid his hands from her hair, smoothing strong fingers down the back of her scalp and neck. He understood she wasn't ready and he was fine with that, but he could not find it in him to apologize for the shiver he felt swim over her body at his touch.

"Come on. Little man is already asleep. I think mommy needs a little herself before the sun is up. Ya got a long day ahead."

Teyla closed her eyes and nodded her head. Tomorrow at sundown, Teyla and her people were to send Kanann's body on its eternal journey upon a funeral pier.

"Will you be with me tomorrow, John? Will you take me and my son?"

John's eyes did not waver when he silently nodded his head. He'd be lying if the prospect of going to Kanann's funeral didn't fill him with dread, but it comforted him to see the weariness in Teyla's eyes dim a fraction with his promise. "I'll go."

John turned away and walked across the room to ready her bed for sleep. "No matter what Teyla, you are my friend. Count on that." He felt her walk up behind him and place a small hand upon his arm.

"I do. It's one of the many reasons I love you. You are a true friend and a good man." Her voice full of admiration.

John put his chin to his chest and breathed deep as if her words caused him pain. The guilt from his part in Kanann's death was still fresh in the back of his mind. But it also didn't help that he'd spent so much of his life believing he wasn't good—a screw up, and made sure he acted accordingly every chance he had. So good man…? Good golf swing. Good card player. Good lover, he never had any complaints. Great pilot. Great shot ninety percent of the time. But a good man? It wasn't till this galaxy, these people and this woman that he even came close to believing he could be this man she saw. John reached up and covered her hand with his own, giving it a gentle pat and a small smirk that didn't reach his eyes.

Gently he pulled her to her bed, but when she sat down she did not release his hand. He did not ask her what's wrong or try to pull away. He saw the request in her eyes. Giving her fingers a squeeze; he stepped away and lowered to his boots, removing them along with his socks. And then he removed the heavy belt around his waist, lowering to the floor. While making quick work of his jacket he felt her eyes upon him, watching him silently from her bed.

Nothing was going to happen tonight, enough already had. But having her eyes upon him, he felt like he was stripping naked for the first time. In a way he was.

If it hadn't already been too late for him to turn away from this burgeoning and evolving relationship, once he lay down beside this woman and held her in his arms tonight, there would never be any way of going back for him. And he knew being with her, she'd someday know all the things he held inside. She would see all his fears. It was the kind of woman she was, the kind of friend. And like he told her, she knew him and he was okay with that. So if there was such a thing as mental nudity, that's what it felt to him, loving her.

Lying down beside her, she turned over to face him and he reached for her hand squeezing it tight. A shift under the covers and over the mattress her head soon fell against his heart and he knew there was no other place he ever felt as home.

TBC.


	3. Chapter 3

"Now, today-today is gonna be a tough one

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Well, this is not gonna be a three shot, but a more shot. My muse is in many directions these days and this is one of them. I hope things aren't too AU yet, but believable. I really do like the characters as they are. It's the only reason I'll start a fan fic. Love character driven pieces.

Also, if you see something that is not correct, drop me a line. I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.

**Teyla's Choice (cont.)**

by Anne Pendragon

"Now, today-today is gonna be a tough one." Boy who was he kidding? "I'm not going to lie to you and say it aint, because I've been to my fare few of these things in both galaxies and this one is going to be especially tough. I know…" John Sheppard shifted the cooing bundle against his shoulder and got a tuft of his own hair pulled for the trouble.

"Hey buddy, I got enough trouble in the hair department, as it is!" John gently disengaged Torrens strong grasp from his locks and rubbed the child's soft dusky skin getting a gleeful "Squeeeee!" in response. Served him right for avoiding another hair cut.

"Shhh! We're letting your Mama sleep, so shush." John whispered into the child's dark hair as he brought them further out onto Teyla's balcony and sat on the bench by the rail.

The baby had been awake for the better part of fifteen minutes, John a great deal longer. It could only have been the baby or a Wraith attack that would have removed John from the wonderful place he'd found himself this morning.

When he had first woken, he swore he was still drifting in one of his more favorable dreams, one of the ones that ended with Teyla waking in his arms. And as corny and clichéd as it would have sounded to John a lifetime ago, he found himself watching the woman he loved sleep and was damned if he didn't feel like the first man to come up with the wonderful past-time.

In the end it was Torren's fussings that brought John back to the darker side of reality and filled him with some of his old fears and guilt that had never quite left, but it also filled him with purpose. Today they were burying the boy's father and the man who'd been special enough to once have the view that was now John's this morning.

John had fought off the urge to pull Teyla back into his arms. In his sleepy haze, he yearned to feel her skin under his hand and smell her hair. He wanted to feel the weight of her body against him, to allow another of his fantasies come to life…

'_But this day isn't about me.'_ He had to do right by them—all of them—today. So stealthfully extricating himself from Teyla's side; he gathered her waking son before she woke...

"Your Mom's a pretty tough lady. Never doubt that." John tried using his best command voice but failed when the boy's dark eyes mirthfully looked into his. "But you're gonna have to be strong for her today. I'll always have your back in that department, but your still gonna have to hold up your end. So just try being a little sparing with the high pitched screaming and the care packages today, alright?" John smirked when Torren John giggled with glee, but soon found his humor fade. This funeral had brought about some of his own not so distant memories.

"I never had the chance to let my dad know…" John trailed off a moment and cleared his throat. "I left a lot of important things unsaid between me and my dad—things I should have said."

Pulling the child closer into his chest, he tenderly held the bare little back in his broad hand, allowing the boy to grab at his jaw and chin. For a moment he just watched the child in silent wonderment. _'Did Dad feel this way when he held me?'_

"I guess what I'm saying is your dad loved you and he knew you loved him back. Maybe the vocab wasn't there…" John grinned sadly at his own small joke "But you let him know and that's what counts in the end. So no regrets, okay? You did good." Some of the gruff commanding officer came back to his voice.

Within the reach of John's voice, Teyla stood very much awake and in awe of the man freely showing his love and care for her son. She'd felt him leave her bed earlier and heard him take her son out doors.

She'd be lying that she wasn't worried how this morning's light would shine upon the start of this new and real thing that her and John had begun only hours before. A small piece of her felt fearful that she had done something wrong in asking him to stay in her bed the night before her ex-lover's funeral. Was she being dishonorable? Had she pushed this still un-consummated union too fast? Had she pushed John too much? _'But wasn't it he who came to your door?' _

So when she got up to check on John and her son, caution kept her silent at the door. But love was now what kept her there. Watching the painfully private man she loved bond with her son had truly stolen her heart and belied some of her fears. Everything was as it should be.

So wiping away happy tears, Teyla stepped back into her quarters not letting the moment be interrupted or her presence be known to John. Although his heart felt words had warmed her own heart, she could feel just by the timber of his voice that his words came from a private and still open wound within him. Since knowing John, she'd seen in him so many such wounds—too many she believed.

'_But he is telling someone this time.'_ she smiled sadly as she began to prepare for the difficult day to come with a small measure of hope.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

John left Teyla's quarters after she joined him and Torren, dressed in a simple white dress that her culture dictated for the day ahead. He could not help but smile at her beauty.

'_Hell, she'd be beautiful in a burlap bag.'_ John had prejudicially thought when she warmly smiled back, taking her son gently from his arms. For the briefest moments, John felt uncertain of his place or how to act, but that moment was brief, indeed. Quickly, she had leaned up to his head and he brought his head down upon hers, a greeting, a good morning, a reminder of friendship and unity. The simple act relieved him beyond words. And then with his eyes still closed and a smile upon his face, he felt her soft tentative kiss. Warm and brief, but oh so welcome, that kiss clung to him through out the rest of his day.

The rest of John's day, as it turned out, went off relatively peaceable by Johns' standards. And uneventful as long as you didn't count the small series of pyrotechnic like explosions on the southern end of the city followed by a resounding "sorry" shouted over the com by Dr. Zelenka and Rodney…

"Come on Woolsey." The Lt. Colonel attempted his charm smile and spiel as they left a smoldering south pier and a bickering pack of scientists and Marines trying to figure out the cleanup of what the latest technological discovery had left behind. "Compared to the rest of this week that **was** relatively uneventful, slightly eventful at best by Atlantis standards."

The frazzled and not enthused commander of Atlantis did not look convinced as he turned to glare at the Lt. Colonel and continued towards the go cart like vehicle they recently come upon and Rodney had dubbed 'gate cars' since he hadn't been aloud to name the Jumpers.

"I told ya." John continued, his words aggravatingly peppy with Sheppard logic. "The real emergencies are just best left to be measured on a sliding scale. Saves on the ulcers…"

"I'll take that under advisement." Woolsey started the small vehicle and was about to pull away.

"That reminds me, I need this evening off." John strode up to the side of the 'gate car'. "I'm taking the Jumper through to Athos for the funeral…"

"And who will be taking your shift? You had a double today."

"Loren agreed on the second half. The city will be in good hands."

"Dr. McKay, Dr. Keller and Ronon are also going?"

John silently nodded his head and the two men settled into a momentary silence that told John the ex-bureaucrat had something to say.

"I have already expressed my condolences to Teyla and her family, along with the Athosian people." John nodded his head again. "I understand that this incident was very difficult on both you and Ms. Emmagon. The fact that she had to kill the father of her child to save your life and there is still the question as to why you allowed yourself to be caught in such a position…"

"Our team has not been compromised." John ground out, his eyes narrowed. "Teyla and I are fine or at least we will be. Ask her yourself."

"I did and she said something along the same lines. She was actually very angry that I would think she would have any ill will towards yourself or our expedition. She was rather clear headed about the incident and deferred all fault and upset towards the hybrid Michael."

John silently nodded his head. He had expected Teyla's reaction, but it still surprised him to know she did not blame him even when he still blamed himself. "See, I told you." John finally spoke after a delayed reaction to the information. Something the other man caught.

Richard Woolsey quietly eyed the fairly young Lt. Colonel, weighing the things—the precious few things he really knew about the man and then some of the hypotheses' he had regarding the relationship between Lt. Col. John Sheppard and the Athosian. Whatever their relationship was at this time, neither individual had ever wavered in their dedication to the expedition or to one another. If anything it was the closeness of the Lt. Colonels team that had helped save Atlantis and each other's lives time and again.

Woolsey removed his glassed and begun to clean then on his sleeve, before placing them back on his face. There were some things Richard Woolsey had learned the hard way in this new, wondrous and often deadly galaxy. First, anything or almost anything goes and don't fix what is not broken.

"I see." Woolsey nodded, finishing his mental assessment and found things status quo—for now. "Then just make sure you have the Jumper back before morning…"

"I'll have it gassed up, Dad." John smirked.

Woolsey quirked his bow and then shook his head before starting up the vehicle. "This day will be considered far more eventful in my report, Lt. Colonel."

"Tell command it was unforeseen circumstances." John nonchalantly tossed out. "Did you expect that new doodad of McKay's to blow up today? Someday yes—but today?" Sheppard asked cheekily. With that, Woolsey turned his back and was gone with the hum of an engine.

John could not help but smile after the man's retreat. He and some of the other military personnel had their laugh at the man, especially in the beginning, but the guy meant well and he more often than not got the big picture when the shit hit the fan. But his learning curve for dealing with days like this… _'He'll adapt. I hope.'_ No one, especially him, was anxious in breaking in another expedition leader anytime soon.

Choosing to walk back into the city, John could not help but think of how they had all learned to deal with the 'average days' around this place. He'd found himself re-defining normal on a daily basis and found an endless supply of things he could place under the odd or the downright scary and even those things seemed normal after a while.

With his and his planets basic beliefs being challenged everyday, John reached out to the mundane in life to dull the blow of his own rapid 'adaption'. From golf strokes off the balconies, taped Super Bowls and 'the man in black', the everyday things kept him sane along with the people who shared the everyday with him. That was his normal, they were his normal.

Rodney's incessant yammering about everything and anything challenged John and in a way allowed the 'smart' part of him feel normal. Something he'd never felt comfortable doing. Something he'd never tell Rodney. He'd also never tell the scientist how the man's ability to always be hungry or annoyed or arrogant or brave and selfless in a pinch was an ode to normal in its own special way.

And Ronon—Ronon's silent but telling companionship around the city or in the field. Another male he could grunt at or not even say a word to and they understood the other just fine. And then there was the ex-runners knowing smirk he'd always sport when he knew something the rest of the world hadn't caught onto yet. Braun never equaled stupid in Johns book. Ronon was a scholar among the manly men of the universe.

Then there was Teyla…

Even before last night, her touch was all it took to take all the odd and the insane and the scary and make it all seem bearable. He'd come to depend on her being there, even when he was in a place where he didn't want to be reached. It was the way she looked at him when she knew he knew he was wrong, but she was there for him anyway. It was how she understood him even though she grew up in a animal skin hut under fear of death and he grew up with a silver spoon wedged down his throat. Even the way she kicked his ass with those batons and then stole all his popcorn on the elusive movie or game night made him feel like the most normal and luckiest man in the galaxy.

'_Damn, Sheppard. Love making you a sentimental sap or what…'_ John shook his head at himself and grinned. He'd made it back into the inner section of the city and was close to the lifts to the command center.

"Sheppard"

"Ronon." John jumped a little, stirred from his thoughts and quickly smiled at the towering Satedan, nodding in the direction of the lift. He was still too preoccupied to notice Ronon's all seeing smirk.

"Went looking for you earlier this morning to go for a jog." Ronon's voice a quiet but inquisitive sounding rumble.

"Yeah, I had to take care of a couple of things earlier this morning…" John began.

"You mean late." Ronon barked knowingly. "Finished up my run under the residential section, near the mess…"

"Under Teyla's balcony." John finished, looking at his friend cautiously. "I can explain…"

Ronon again smirked, this time at his friends unnecessary bought of nerves. Ronon stepped into the lift and John followed.

"Don't have to. You love her. And the kid. Figured sooner or later you'd figure she felt the same."

John's mouth dropped open and then closed again just as the lift closed, reminding Ronon of a fish Carson once caught. His friend was too easy.

"You knew!" John's voice rose.

"I knew about you too. Didn't see me spilling your business around the place." Ronon raised a challenging brow.

John pointed his finger and then lowered it. He couldn't argue Ronon's logic. The guy was one hell of a secret keeper.

"John, don't sweat it. I'm just happy for my friends. Really." Ronon crossed his long arms over his chest and leaned back. "And the way I look at it, it's about damn time some of us saw some happiness."

John smiled at that, but the smile didn't last. Ronon had something to say to that too.

"I know you and her got some junk still hanging over ya with what happened to Kanann, but you two being there for one another, that aint gonna change." Teyla's choice that day never once came as a surprise to Ronon Dex. He knew his friends. Knew how people saw and protected what was really important to them. Hell, the fact Teyla had given John the honor of sharing her babies name meant a lot from where she came from. Meant a lot from where most of them came from.

Ronon took a deep breath and seriously eyed one of the few men left in the galaxy that he respected and believed in fully. It wasn't surprising him that John was making this thing with Teyla more complicated then it had to be. Dangerous tactical situations, John simplified with skill and speed. Anything that had to do with the stuff inside of him or other people…

"John, when things are nuts, the two of you have always pulled each other up. I don't see where any of that is different now. Maybe just better now that the two of you aren't lying to yourselves or each other anymore. And as for other people…" Ronon shrugged. "If it's gonna be a problem, it's theirs."

John looked at his friend, not just amazed that it was one of the longest speeches the big man had ever given, but it was on the subject of love. The lift door opened to the busy sounds of the working city and Ronon stepped out.

"You coming Sheppard?"

John stepped out into the bustling hall, continuing to stare at his friend. The runner had just given him a get out of guilt free card or at least get out of some of it, and he wasn't sure what to say.

"Yeah, I'm with ya." Falling in step with his smug looking friend, he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Did I ever tell you you remind me of a real popular doctor back on Earth, name of Phil…?"

**TBC.**


	4. Chapter 4

Evening came quickly on the land, the approaching storm from the west pushing the darkness in early on the evening's proceedings

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Got me another bit of story here. Hope ya like it. I was unsure of some of the Athosian name's and didn't find confirmation on proper spelling. Also hope this isn't too AU of the characters.

Also, if you see something that is not correct, drop me a line. I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.

**Teyla's Choice (cont.)**

by Anne Pendragon

Night came quickly on the land, the approaching storm from the west pushing the darkness in early on the evening's proceedings. Teyla stood within the doorway of her friend and confidants home, arms crossed watching the turbulent skies.

Arriving in her people's village only a short time ago, Teyla had left her son with John and the others to meet with Holling before Kanann's ceremony. On her way to the kindly leaders home, she could not help but feel the tentative behavior or the silence from the many she passed in the village.

Teyla had expected the solemness of this day. Kanann had been a kind man and well liked among their people, as were the two other Athosian men Kanann had killed escaping with Torren while under Michael's control. Her people had mourned many over time, but these deaths had been different. For these men had been killed by another Athosian and Kanann's life taken by her. The tragedy of that fact only furthered her feelings of guilt and alienation between herself and her fellow Athosians and quickened her pace to Hollings tent…

"Do our people blame me for Kanann's death, Holling?" Teyla's eyes still on the sky. "I shot him down. I took his life…" her voice trailed to the winds. "Do they understand the choice I had to make—will my son someday when he asks?"

Holling stood from his table and made it to his friend's side placing a gentle hand upon her shoulder. "Kanann's life was taken by Michael long before you were forced to take his breath. That is understood amongst our people." Many who had been experimented on by Michael, understand too well the forfeit of their sentiency during that time. "Kanann was no longer the man of his people, but something else entirely."

Holling watched Teyla look upon the sky without seeing it. "As for your choice—it is only you who must understand and give yourself forgiveness. Although some of our people are still pained and disturbed by what has transpired, it is understood you saved an unarmed man from being murdered while he defended you and your child…"

"But he was Kanann. He was my son's father—my friend…" Teyla turned to her friend. Holling felt the guilt as much as saw it in her eyes, but he believed it was more for reasons his conflicted friend had yet to say.

"You mourn Kanann, I know. But it is because it was John Sheppard's life that you chose over Kanann's that this weighs upon you so. You were left to choose between the man who gave you a son and the one you feel love and duty. Is this not what troubles you so?" Holling watched his friends eyes turn wide and pained. It was answer enough. "Kanann was lost to us and he was going to kill Sheppard, an unarmed…"

"But John was armed." Teyla whispered, stopping her friend. "He-he thought that Torren and I were safe aboard the Prometheus. He was about to leave the bunker himself, but Kanann found him…" Teyla trailed off and began again. "Kanann found him, giving John no other choice but to kill him, because Kanann would surely have killed John. He would have killed me…" Teyla trailed off, still in shock at what Michael had created from the kind man she once knew, a nearly unstoppable super soldier with strict instructions to kill anyone who got in the way of claiming Torren. That was the fate of the two Athosian men who tried stopping Kanann from passing through the stargate and it would have been Teyla's and John if they had not saved one another at the bunker on Kroax.

"But John didn't draw on him—he couldn't." Teyla breathed in deep and closed her eyes. "He didn't because he was Torrens father—that I and Kanann…" Teyla's voice broke. "So John laid down his gun and allowed Kanann to draw upon him. He was going to die to save Kanann from himself. To give Atlantis's doctors another chance at fixing him. He did it for me. He did it for Torren…" Tears silently fell down the stoic woman's face. Her heart still hurt from the memory.

Holling felt more than a little moved by the Lt. Colonels willing attempt at sacrifice, but it came to no surprise. Nor did it surprise him he would do so for Teyla and her son. Atlantis's military leader was well known amongst their people for his daring and selfless dedication to those he defended. Why would the man's actions be any different for those he loved?

Gently, Holling turned Teyla into his comforting embrace and allowed the strong warrior of her people and of Atlantis, a moment of weakness with her guilt. But only a moment.

"Teyla, the guilt you place on your self is unjust…"

"But what kind of woman am I to love two men at the same time?" her voice angry against her friends chest. "I have dishonored…"

"You have not." Holling interrupted. "Kanann knew he had your friendship, but not the sum of your heart. Sharing a son with you had been an unexpected blessing, but he knew where your heart lies, as well as I have known and as Charin had known the day the people of Earth came into our lives." Holling pulled Teyla from his embrace and held her by her shoulders, catching her eye.

"I will not pretend to understand the complicated relationship you have forged with John Sheppard, but I understand the strength of your friendship and your equal dedication to the other. You respect this man and he you. Love forged out of these things between two honorable people can be no dishonor."

Teyla drew in a deep breath and nodded her head. Holling was right. The love itself she felt for John held no feelings of disrepute. It was the situation which all of 'this' occurred that weighed down on her heart. Maybe she had been scared by the enormity of it, even overwhelmed, but not once did the love she held for John shame her.

"Thank you Holling." Teyla bowed her head and was met by her friends in return. "You are a wonderful friend and have given me a great deal of comfort this day."

Pulling back, Holling warmly smiled. "I have only given you the truth."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

John had watched her make her way into the village, the sound of Torren John babbling in Ronan's arms behind him at the back of the Jumper.

By the time John had gotten back to Teyla at the end of the day, there had been a change in her, one that left him feeling unsettled. This thing between them-this love was new ground for him and Teyla. Hell, this was new ground for him. Yeah, he'd been married, he'd thought he'd been in love, but this-he knew this love he felt for her could not be measured in any traditional sense or given definition. So as brave a man as he sometimes felt, he was still petrified of screwing it all up and having it all taken away from him.

So for his own sanity, he reasoned that the rigidness in her shoulders as she walked was the tension of the day telling on her. Her failed smiles she'd tried giving him simply the casualties of her rightful feelings of sorrow and loss. He even pushed aside the ache in his chest at her unwillingness to say more than ten words to him in private since he'd met her, McKay, Ronan and Keller in the Jumper bay to go to the planet. Being that he himself was never much for talk when his emotions were too close to the surface, he gave her that. But watching her walk away from him and into her peoples village without so much as a glance back and he knew she was hurting but didn't want to tell him…

"Sheppard." A gruff voice in his ear, stirring him from his worried thoughts. "Just give her some space."

John nodded his head, watching Teyla's body disappear behind a tent and was gone from his sight. He felt Ronan roughly nudge his shoulder and then felt the warm weight of Torren John settle into his arms. Quietly the Satedan walked past and down the ramp of the Jumper and towards the village.

Instinctually, John held the child closer to his chest when the wind blew through the back hatch of the Jumper, gently covering the back of the little head with a callused hand. Finally taking his eyes from the village, he looked down to the squiggling bundle of arms and legs. "It's time, little man." He whispered to the child he'd come to hold even closer to his heart.

Finally looking around, he caught the quiet stare of Dr. Rodney McKay. The scientist didn't make any repeat of his snarky earlier comment that Sheppard would someday making a good wife or even point out that the child was presently using John's uniform as a teething toy. Rodney simply smiled at his friend, his eyes drifting from John to the child and then to where Teyla had disappeared and then back to John. John saw the recognition and the acceptance of this new, but not necessarily surprising change in their Atlantis family in his friend's eyes. Behind Rodney he spotted Dr. Keller, a similar look of understanding upon her grinning face.

"Jen and I have Torren's diaper bag." Rodney finally sputtered out. "So that means if we carry it you have to use it if he—you know, Torren needs it."

"Funny, Rodney." John warned, but both men smiled.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Night fall finally consumed the landscape, but the storm stayed at bay. The westerly winds blew heavily over the bank of the lake, pushing at the torch fires that lined the perimeter of the funeral pyre.

The sound of Athosian mourning expressed in song filled the air and the hearts of those who took part in the night. Teyla stepped forward, torch in hand. She was reliving a terrible dream and now the reality had come. She had not saved Kanann, not in a way that kept him in this world, but his soul was now at peace.

Laying the fire upon the edge of the pyre, she closed her eyes as the fire spread over the wood structure and burst over Kanann's death shroud. Opening them, she found dark stormy eyes watching her from over the flames. John stood ramrod strait amongst her Atlantis family, holding her sleeping child within his capable arms. The child must have been lulled into sleep by the soft mournful call of the singing this night, a sad substitute for his evening lullaby.

Over Torrens' little head, Teyla watched John gently nod to her, his eyes never wavering. She had felt John's eyes upon her through out the ceremony of song and his eyes held hers now as she completed the most difficult part of this night. She found within his stare compassion, but also so much strength—strength he seemed to physically give her by just his presence alone. He was being strong for her, the look in his eyes told her it was okay to let go. And she did. Tears she'd held at bay at the start of the ceremony she allowed to flow down the plains of her cheeks with abandon.

He watched her begin to silently cry where she proudly stood. Every impulse within told him to go to her and collect her in his arms, but he knew it was not what she would have wished for or would have been appropriate. So he held onto her eyes throughout the ceremony and held onto her son, hoping what he could give her now helped.

John stayed with Teyla till the fire burnt down to embers. Long after Dr. Keller took Torren for a changing in the village and Rodney and Ronan paid their respects to Teyla and followed. He stayed after those from the village left for the night and the rain began to fall. Even now, soaked to the bone, he would have stood with her till sunrise.

Quietly, John finally came to her side, the pop and hiss of the rain falling on the fires remains.

"Torren and I will be staying here for a little while, John." Her attention still sat upon the smoldering embers before them.

John felt his stomach clench at the set tone of her voice. "O-kay, how long are we talking? A day? The rest of the week?"

"I don't know John." Teyla turned to meet his eyes in the faded glow of the funeral pyre. "I-I just know that I must be with my people right now. They've lost so much this last week—this last year. I need to be here…" her voice trailed off when John's stare was too hard for her to bear.

John continued his silence in the rain. He was upset, more than upset. "Things have been hard on you too, Teyla." John's voice deceivingly even. "Maybe you should take some time from your duties…" John paused when she looked uncomfortably away. He was defiantly more than upset right now. John was scared. "But is it just that, Teyla? I understand your wanting to take care of your people. Believe me I understand…" Teyla had been the one who'd helped him better understand that lesson in leadership long ago. "But-but what about you and…"

"Me and Torren will be fine, John. We are amongst our people…"

"I was going to say you and me." John interrupted. "And you have other people too, Teyla. Back on Atlantis. People who care…" his voice began to rise.

Teyla breathed in deep and rushed into John, holding his face in her hands. "I am not leaving you, John. I'm not." She yelled over the now pounding rain that fell upon them. She could see it in his eyes. He thought she was stepping away. "Please trust me."

John searched her wide desperate eyes, his face still held tight in her hands. This wasn't about trust, it never was. It was about John's fear of loss. Loosing Teyla or Torren was something he could not do. Not again.

"I trust you, Teyla. I trust you with my life." John got out. "But it's trusting this…" John took his loose fist to his chest. John found sad understanding in his love's eyes. He felt Teyla take one of her hands from his cheek and place it over his fist and squeeze. "But I trust you." He spoke again. "I love you."

John pulled his hand from under hers on his chest and slid his fingers into her hair, bringing her forehead to rest against his own. He felt a deep sob from her that quickly got drown out in the rain. He heard her quiet whisper of 'thank you' against his lips while the cold wind cut through their damp bodies. They stood in silence, but in understanding.

John once said that he would do anything for her. He would not let that oath falter now, even if that 'anything' was the difficult task of waiting. Like Teyla, John had no other choice.

**TBC.**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Got me another bit of story here. Hope ya like it. See something that is not correct, drop me a line. I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.

**Teyla's Choice (cont.)**

by Anne Pendragon

A day passed and then another, becoming a week and then one more. He heard from her in short communiqué's when the weekly report from New Athos came into the communications room or when an expedition member or Athosian came from one side of the gate to the other. The Colonel never being one of those members and Teyla never being the Athosian.

The verbal messages were always spoken knowing there were others in the communications room, but the warmth could not be dulled down enough or the longing in either person's voice suppressed enough to escape the notice of the unintended audience. The darkened disposition of the Colonel afterwards and the growing restlessness that grew in the notoriously stoic man was also too clear. It was also too clear that something had changed between the two team members and friends. What that change was varied amongst the daily scuttle butt.

Then one day the written messages began, slips of paper pressed into a waiting messenger's palm, mostly Holling and Lorne's. John had never been much for that whole expressing his—you know—feelings, but it was just a scrap of paper tacked to a bag of popcorn that began the exchange…

_T._

_Thought you'd appreciate the provisions. Sent some of those cookies Torren likes along with them. I know your people can't grow Nila Wafers. Hope things at home are well. And Teyla, I'm sorry._

_J._

She had honestly not expected the note—the care package yes. John was always the sort to show his care through actions. But finding his words, though sloppily scrawled and brief, she could feel the meaning that lie beneath.

_John,_

_Thank you for the 'provisions', they are much enjoyed. Torren has been very vocal recently and is trying to make words. I believe he is what Rodney would call a fast learner and a 'foodie' or I believe that is the terminology that the doctor had used to describe himself. I think his first word may be 'Nila' or possibly 'home', and not 'ma' or 'dad' like other children. I think he misses it-Atlantis, as do I. _

_As for your apology? First, I need you to know I regret nothing that has occurred, John. Having met you or joining your team. Having Kanann in my life. Making that painful, but certain choice that terrible day nor do I regret that I was the one to make it. I know you feel that it should never have been mine. That the choice had already been made by you, allowing Kanann's gun to draw to your chest. I also wish to tell you how much it still pains me that you even believed that to be an option. You are important John. Not just to me, but to so many others lives that you have touched being the amazing man that you are… _

John had dropped the letter to his side and closed his eyes. Breathing in deep he began again.

_That said, I will tell you that my only regret now is that you still believe that you made me choose that day and it has filled you with guilt. Do not deny this. As you said, I know you too well. So I will give you a truth that was given to me. Your guilt is not just, John. You have no reason to be sorry. You have never made me do anything that I did not wish and what I've done was my choice alone. I'll tell you once more. It was the only choice I could have made._

_--Teyla_

That letter had left the Colonel silent through that evening's supper with the team. Not once did Rodney ask why their usually sardonic leader wasn't adding his two cents about the last mission's misadventure. Ronon's boot toe against his shin hurt too much, being so close under the table.

_Teyla,_

_Went to the flying monkey planet today. Turns out they are more like bats with opposable thumbs and they love lemons. Rodney has found yet another reason not to go back. Ronon is well._

_When are you and Torren coming back, Teyla? I understand your need to do what's right with your people. I get it. But do not ask me to dismiss what I feel about what I've done. If it means keeping you and Torren happy and safe, I'd place my self in front of the gun again and again. I will never regret that choice, nor why I did it. But I do feel guilty for not stopping all of-all of 'this' from happening. And I do regret what happened with Kanann, I regret the whole damn thing with Kanann, with us, but I can't really have those regrets can I, because Torren would never have been. And I love that kid, Teyla. I love you. And I still trust you, but it doesn't make the missing you part of this go away. _

_Tell T.J. hey for me and that 'John' is a good first word too._

_J._

Teyla had snorted during a village meeting, picturing citrus loving bat monkeys becoming yet one more stressor for her friend the scientist. But then she read the rest and had to excuse herself, before her tears threatened to well. Before Lorne left with his team back to Atlantis, she had another letter in his hand.

_John,_

_Your trust in me and mine in you, has been one of the surest things I've ever felt in my life. It's what made being your friend so easy and falling in love with you a certainty. _

_I love you too, John. And that love—our friendship has changed me. Something else I can never regret. But that change has altered my life and my place amongst my people. Maybe my own feelings of guilt had a role to play for my staying here, but more important is my need to regain my peoples trust even if now there will always be a difference between us. For all that is of worth in this uncertain life, trust given and received is most sacred. I need to rebuild that trust with my people now, if not for me, but our two people's future together._

_So I am not yet ready to come home, John. I must continue to make peace amongst my people and within myself before I can. But when I do leave here, it will be home I return to, for you John—you and Torren are my home. _

_--Teyla_

Lorne had brought the letter to the Colonel while he was supervising the safety concerns surrounding Rodney latest send off of his 'weapons doodad' out on the burnt surface of the southern pier. Woolsey had declined the invitation to watch this time around, in favor of paperwork to command. That was good, because even the upright paper pusher would have seen through the quick excuse John had made when his eyes began to shine after finishing the letter. Same way Lorne and McKay did when John reverently folded the piece of paper and slid it deep inside his coat pocket, before taking his sleeve quickly across his face. The sea had blown something into his eyes, he'd said. Neither man had the heart to dispute or the daring recently to remark upon the Colonels personal life. Before Lorne returned to New Athos, another letter had been tucked into his jacket for delivery…

_Teyla,_

_You're mine, too._

_J._

The letter was short, but the time it took for the response was long. Nearly a week went by in between the scheduled communiqués, leaving John to drown his restlessness in his duties and the increased number of sparing matches he agreed to with Ronon.

And then today it came through the gate, along with the fresh Moor deer meat and the Athosian melons. He read it on his way to one of his daily duties in the secured and restricted sections of the city, nearly letting him forget his task at hand…

_John,_

_Harvest has kept the village very busy this last week, as you will see in the shipment that this letter has accompanied though the gate. And there will also be no need to send any more popcorn to New Athos on the return trade, for Torren and I are coming home._

_--Teyla_

He read it twice more before he got to the detention room and nodded aside the guards. Short and sweet, the letter made his heart feel like he was happily pullin' G's, even now as he looked upon the nightmare that stood studying him from behind the bars. There had only been one good thing John could personally see for having Teyla and Torren away all this time. She had been spared having to share the city with the prisoner before him.

"You really should have let me go, John." The hybrids piercing eyes narrowed at his captor. This was not the first time the Hybrid had said this, and Sheppard doubted it would be his last.

Michaels capture had occurred shortly after Kanann's death. John and Ronon along with Lorne's team had stopped the Hybrids escape from his hiding place on the other side of Kroax's first moon. Lorne's team being around at the time they corned Michael was the only reason John and Ronan had not dragged back a carcass for the science team to dissect and instead brought back a broken and bruised, but alive prisoner. The only reason he was alive now and not on ice, was that the cunning hybrid had information John needed.

A large sum of Michael's virus was unaccounted for. Atlantis had known of the stockpiles whereabouts before catching Michael, but after capture they returned and found it gone. Even if the inventor of the potential plague was in a place he could no longer do anything to harm them with his creation, the liquid death still needed to be found.

"Let me think…" John eyed his enemy in mock contemplation of the request, before coming up to the bars. "Aaaa, no!"

Michael continued to stand in the center of the cell, his stare at the Colonel creepily thoughtful. "It does not bother you that the child is another man's seed?"

John was thrown by the change in subject but didn't let it show. "Not any of your business." He spoke evenly as his eyes glared back into the prisoners.

"Suppose not." Michael stepped from the center of the cell and paced to the other end. "Where is Teyla? She has not visited me since my arrival back to my old home. I know she does not fear me, so where could she be..." he paused. "Did she leave you and Atlantis for her people on New Athos, John? This is even better…"

"Not your business." John's voice bit a little too sharply, before he could check himself. He could see immediately that he'd given the enemy too much information in the act.

Michael came to the center of the cell again, continuing his eerie stare down with the Colonel, only now his lips quirked in a satisfied grin. "You do lover her then."

Eyes locked with the monster he had helped in creating, John's heart beat quickened and not in the good way. It was that feeling—that pounding whack of adrenaline entering the bloods stream when something bad was about to come barreling around the bend. In Atlantis's case, it was usually a freight train.

"How much will she love you back, knowing that you had the chance to save her people and you did not take it because of your hatred for me?" Michael grinned with fiendish glee. "Of course if she survives herself…"

John quickly approached the bars of the cell, his eyes bearing down on this being that had caused pain to so many people he cared about. "What have you done?"

"No, Colonel. It is what you are doing right now by keeping me here. I do not know what time it is nor now the day, but I can estimate that time is no doubt up…" Michael hissed.

"Tell me…" John darkly growled, raising his weapon to meet the hybrids face.

"Let me think" Michael smoothly repeated. "No. But I will tell you that she screamed for you while I performed my tests. When the pain finally overcame her and the desperation for her unborn child too great, she screamed for you all that time and you did not come. Not till later, of course." He smirked, obviously satisfied by the struck look that had encompassed the Colonels tensed visage.

John bit back on his rage with all his power and readied his weapon, feeling the twitch of his trigger finger. "What-have-you-done?"

"Kill me and my gift will still be delivered." Michael boomed. "Did you think I would allow my work to go unfinished after my capture?" The hybrids eyes widened with satisfaction as he came as close as he dared to the cells bars. "How does it feel Colonel to have her taken away from you by me once more…?"

Sheppard's quick mind answered his own questions; he now knew what was to become of the missing serum. God help them all. Pulling back his weapon, he raced to the door and towards command at a dead run, pushing aside anyone who strayed into his path. Michael's voice following him every step of the way…

"Too late John. You are too late…"

TBC.


	6. Chapter 6

Choice7

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters. If I did, I would have given the show at least two more years to play out.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Hope ya like this next bit. It has a lot going on and I hope I handled it well. I am an admirer of Science and a lover of Sci-fi, but I'm not a scientist. So I hope the Sci-fi part of this story doesn't sound too lame. Once again, this is not Beta'd by anyone, so I go with what I know and research what I can. See something that is not correct, drop me a line. My hide is thick (as is my head).Also, I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything. And again, thanks so much for the wonderful reviews. Not only are they appreciated, but useful as well.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.

**Teyla's Choice (cont.)**

by Anne Pendragon

Last time…

…_John bit back on his rage with all his power and readied his weapon, feeling the twitch of his trigger finger. "What-have-you-done?"_

"_Kill me and my gift will still be delivered." Michael boomed. "Did you think I would allow my work to go unfinished after my capture?" The hybrids eyes widened with satisfaction as he came as close as he dared to the cells bars. "How does it feel Colonel to have her taken away from you by me once more…?"_

_Sheppard's quick mind answered his own questions; he now knew what was to become of the missing serum. God help them all. Pulling back his weapon, he raced to the door and towards command at a dead run, pushing aside anyone who strayed into his path. Michael's voice following him every step of the way…_

"_Too late John. You are too late…"_

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"What do you mean, there's nothing there!" John's voice boomed.

"What I mean is that there's nothing there! Nothing even remotely resembling the virus came up on scan of New Athos and no approaching craft or even space junk on the short range. And the Athosians said that they haven't had gate traffic since Major Lorne and his team. Nothing is there, Sheppard!" Rodney yelled back, just as nerve racked as his friend.

"Damn it!" John yelled, pacing the control room floor. "He said the virus was going to be delivered **to **them and I'm not talking FTD here. My money is on our MIA Jumper getting it there rigged up on some sort of timed autopilot or maybe a Dart with something of the same. We did snag up all of his 'experiments' so it probably not manned…"

"He could be lying." Ronon rumbled, while John continued to pace in front of him. "The freak's done it before."

"Ronon does have a point." Woolsey interjected, unfolding his arms as he walked up to Atlantis's agitated military leader. "Michael has tried to trick us in the past and has succeeded…"

"No." The tone of John's voice finite. "The bastard was telling the truth. I just know it."

Everyone who knew John Sheppard had come to be accustomed to the Colonels own brand of sixth sense and trusted it with little question—maybe some question in Rodney's case, but that was par for the course. Atlantis's new boss however, was still airing on the side of caution.

"I'll start a long range around the planet…" Rodney quickly moved towards one of the far consoles, pushing one of the technicians aside and began to tap away. "If something shows…"

"If something shows, it might already be too late. I have to get them off that planet, now." John grumbled, moving towards and down the steps. "Rodney, start looking within a trajectory of…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of all of Michaels known bases of operation, including the last known location of the virus stockpile." Rodney grumbled out huffily as he continued to work. "I'll keep you posted."

"And if Michael isn't on ice or put down by the time I get back, I'll shoot him myself." John glared up at Woolsey then back to Dr. Keller, who'd come to stand beside Rodney, his eyes the temperament of steel.

"So what is it you think you're about to do Colonel?" Woolsey followed Sheppard to the top of the steps before he could leave. Trusting the Colonels gut or not, the look alone in Atlantis's military leaders eyes told him that saying 'no' would not have stopped the man_. 'When does it ever for that matter…?'_

"We're about to have our old friends from Athos back over for a visit, sir." John stopped long enough to look up at his boss again, willing him to concur with the choice even if he was still gonna do it anyway. "If Michael's virus is on a path to New Athos we need to take the Athosians out of that path. The virus hasn't been detected on the planet yet so there is no danger of a secondary infection from the Athosians to Atlantis... "

"Colonel, if the virus gets to the planet before you can get everyone off…"

"You're shutting the gate down. I know. " John finished. "But I have to…"

Richard Woolsey looked into the Colonels eyes and saw the man, not the rank deeming this plan necessary, but he did agree with the Colonel. Over the years, helping others outside of Earth's small realm had become one of the Stargate programs adopted mandates. One he had originally fought till men and woman like John Sheppard showed him the necessity of such action. But this time-this time he knew the Colonel was rescuing more than endangered allies, a lot more. And that would have to be addressed after this hectic day was done.

So holding the steady gaze of Atlantis's unofficial leader, Stargate Commands assigned leader firmly nodded his head. As soon as he did, Sheppard was gone, Ronon and Major Lorne unfalteringly in his wake.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Through the gate, John took the Jumper over a small patch of open field that led to the Athosian's main village and flew directly into the center of the open square, passing over crowds of people already moving out of the village and towards the gate.

'_That's my girl; she got her folks on the move.'_

Landing, the Colonel was out of his chair and past the Major and Ronon before they could stand. And as the back hatch fell, he stood at the edge and looked out over all the startled faces in hopes of finding one.

"John!"

The Colonels head jerked around to the sound of Teyla's voice and began to run before he could even see her. "Teyla!"

He found her at the center of the moving throng, Torren John held tight in her arms and her P-90 slung off her back. John grabbed her shoulders as soon as he got to her side and took her and her son simultaneously into his arms. Allowing himself a moment of relief, John touched his head to hers; placing more meaning into the action than what the Athosians traditional greeting was meant to hold. "Teyla…" he whispered, closing his eyes.

"We got the calls from Atlantis, Rodney explained." She breathed in, feeling some of her earlier anxiety fade with John's presence. _'By the Ancients, I have missed you…'_ "We've already sent word to the other settlements, but its going to take hours, perhaps a day before we can get everyone through the gate."

Teyla grudgingly pulled away to shoulder Torren and met John's eyes. "Do you know how long we have?"

"I don't know." Frustrated, John's brow furrowed as he looked at Teyla and then to Torren in her arms. His hand gently rubbing little Torrens blanket covered back while he spoke. "We're going to keep the gate open so nothing can dial in and Rodney is scanning the long range."

"You think Michael has used the missing Jumper to bring the virus?"

"Yes." John's hand fell from the child and reached for Teyla's arm. "Now come on, we need to get you and Torren out of here."

"John, I need to help my people get through the gate." Her voice firm.

"I-you 'need' to get yourself and the kid on the other side of the gate, safe and sound…" John snapped back, his own personal fears for the woman he loved and her child, beginning to erode at his temper. It didn't help that he kept hearing Michael's words in his head since he left the monsters presence…_"How does it feel Colonel to have her taken away from you by me once more…?"_

"I shall have Hallings family take Torren with them to Atlantis. They shall watch him while we evacuate…"

"Sheppard, I got it!" Dr. McKay's voice broke through John's radio, interrupting whatever attempt at argument John was about to make about Teyla's decision.

"After re-configuring our long range, I was able to read the cloaked MIA Jumper on our scan. Michael must have altered the Jumpers…" Rodney continued to rattle on.

"Rodney!" John growled impatiently into the radio, eyes still on the stubborn and strong woman in front of him.

"It's close." McKay's voice was sober, but John could swear he felt the scientist sweating on the other end. "Exactly one hour and twenty minutes and counting—close. Or at least until it gets past the planets Stratosphere and then it's too late." He rambled out.

"Michael left the Jumper on a timer just in case we caught his ass or killed him and then changed the Jumpers cloaking device just enough so we wouldn't find it in time. Probably rigged it to blow after reaching a specific altitude above the planet so the virus could disperse into the clouds." John quickly thought aloud. He watched Teyla's eyes widen as she clutched her child closer. The direness of the situation was not lost on either of them.

"That's what I said isn't it?" Rodney miserably grumbled over the radio. "Idiotically simple, but deadly. I'll give him that."

John began to nod his head. The craft that carried the virus had to be destroyed before reaching the planets atmosphere or—well… John looked at the two lives in front of him and couldn't let himself think of the alternative. And even if he saved Teyla and her son, what of her people? He could not leave them to the walking death that was Michael's 'gift'. _'This isn't going to happen, not today.' _

Holding Teyla's worried but knowing stare, he felt her hand upon his forearm. They both knew what must be done. "Give me the coordinates, Rodney. I'll intercept."

"There is no time…" McKay warned.

"Proven you wrong before, McKay. Give me the coordinates and I'll call you when I make contact." A brief sardonic grin flickered over his lips while he committed the line of coordinates Rodney spilled out to memory, but only briefly. The worried eyes in front of him extinguished it quickly enough. "I'll keep you posted. Sheppard, out."

Time was strapped to a rocket now, but there was something he needed to tell Teyla before he left her for this latest seat-of-his-pants moment. Something along the lines of 'I love you and I'll be back' or 'Don't you worry, I'll be fine' quickly flitted through his head, but those sentiments didn't feel right for them. They were two people who knew too well the ways of the universe and the life they had chosen in it. Making those sorts of promises—well, those kinds of promises just weren't realistic.

"Go John." Teyla firmly nodded her head to the Jumper. She didn't want to hear any sentiments anymore than he wanted to express them. "Just go…"

"You and Torren …" he began.

"Torren and I will both be out of harms way. I promise." Her gentled voice belying her rigid and proud posture. "Now go."

Nodding, John turned away and began to sprint towards the Jumper. Then just as quickly he spun back around and ran back to Teyla's side. Without a word, he reached for her, roughly sliding his hands through her hair to the back of her neck, pulling her to his lips before she could get out his name. The kiss was quick and possessive and consuming and ended just as quickly as it began. The moment left him energized and her breathless and both with no need for words. _'Yeah, now that feels like us.'_

John pulled from her quickly, not meeting her eyes, he couldn't right then. Nor did he look back as he ran from her side once more and towards his duty.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Teyla Emmagon never feared dying, especially if it meant dying for the lives of her people or those that lived on Atlantis. She still didn't fear death, but something had altered her view of that belief. That something was born the day Torren John came into the world and then only grew stronger the moment John told her he loved her. She was a strong enough person to die for what she believed in, but she'd come to learn she was even stronger still to live for those she loved. In loving them she made a promise to them to do whatever it took to survive, and Teyla Emmagon also never broke her promises.

So when Ronon found her she did not argue leaving, but helped him and Major Loren continue the exodus from New Athos. After another wave of her people embarked to safety, Teyla and Torren John joined them on the journey back to the city of the Ancients.

"Ms. Emmagon, good to see you and your son back in Atlantis." Richard Woolsey stood at the balcony closest to the gate.

"Mr. Woolsey" she nodded, bouncing a now cranky son. "Any word from Col. Sheppard?"

"He's made contact with the rouge Jumper just now. He's on com…" Before the man could continue Teyla and her son had disappeared under the balcony and up the steps to the control room. He expected no other reaction.

"…I understand that Ancient technology was designed not to kill Ancients, I'm just saying that I'm not one hundred percent positive how one Jumper will react to being shot at by another Jumper." Rodney argued into the radio. "Being that Michael has probably fiddled with the original design just like he's done to every other blessed thing he's gotten his pale fingers on…"

"Great. More fun." John's voice spat sarcastically from the radio. The man himself sat in space, just outside of range of Michael's booby trapped Jumper and the virus it carried, watching as it moved closer and closer to New Athos.

"I'm just saying…" Rodney grumbled.

"I get it, Rodney. I'll try to duck." John smirked as he looked out into the black around him. "Don't want to take out two Jumpers today."

"John?" Teyla now stood with Rodney at the communications consul. A surprised smile lit the scientists face.

"Teyla!" John's voice betrayed his relief. "Torren?"

"Yes, John. Ronon and Loren should also be here soon , along with the last of my village, but the villages from the north and the east have yet to arrive…"

"I understand." A brief silence filled the air waves. So much still hung in the balance, but he could not help but feel a small measure of relief. _'They got through, thank god. They're alright, I'm alright…'_ "Listen, I have to…"

"I know."

"And I…"

"I know, John." Teyla's smile was warm, but sad. She knew. She had no doubts.

"Okay then. Gonna get this show on the road." His voice now confident and sure. "Sheppard out." The com filled with static and then there was silence.

The silence continued after five minutes and then fifteen. It continued until scanners confirmed the destruction of target just a hairs breath away from its destination, before the poisoned Jumper could complete Michaels latest and hopefully last morbid experiment. And then shortly after the cheering in the control room began, silence was brought about once more when the Colonels Jumper transmitted its emergency beacon over the air and then it too became silent…

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Teyla now stood in silence at the far corner of the control room staring out at the Stargate, her thoughts and the low hum and murmur of personnel and machines as her only company. Nearly an hour had passed with no word from John or a definite location of his Jumper. Now dressed for duty and Torren safe, sound and asleep in Dr. Keller's care, Teyla had been relegated to waiting for the rest of her team so they could begin their part in the search and recue for John.

Teyla had originally stared at nothing after Jennifer took Torren for a change and a nap. And then her eyes fell to the Gate. John once told her what a Ferris wheel looked like, a big round device that carried people around it for a bit of adventure and thrill. Looking at the Stargate now, she wondered if a part of John saw the Ancient device in much the same way. _'This is not to be your last adventure, John. It can not be…' _

"Not now, Rodney…!" A deep growl vibrated up the steps, startling Teyla from her maudlin thoughts.

"If the Jumper had exploded or crashed, at least we'd know one way or the other…"

"You have got to be kidding me, McKay!" Teyla heard Ronon grind out as he quickly loomed over the other man at the top of the steps. She did not miss the significant glance Ronon shot between her and the oblivious doctor, willing the man to cease his line of reasoning in her presence. Teyla knew that Ronon dearly cared for his friend from Earth, but by the Ancients, he looked like he was about to strangle the scientist.

"I'm just saying." Rodney quickly defended, still not aware of anyone else but himself and the large Satedan. "I mean you'd think that we would all be use to another death defying John Sheppard cliff hanger by now, but…." The scientist voice trailed off and his eyes widened when he turned to find Teyla watching them at the other end of the room. "Oh,Teyla? I-I'm sorry. I just—it's just the waiting part of all this…"

"I understand Rodney, he is your friend." She walked over to the men and reached her hand to his shoulder. "I too am worried, but it is John…" her words trailed off, her voice tightening. Quickly she cleared her throat and pulled on a warm smile for her friends to stave off their worries for her. She knew they had come to understand the change in the nature of her and John's relationship and it touched her that they felt the need to be sensitive of that fact, but she wanted no one's pity. John was coming back. "He shall be fine."

Rodney gave a sad smile and quietly nodded. Even he, Captain Oblivious, Mr. It-Took-a-Alien-Bug-in-My-Head-to-Declare-Love, could see how much more than friends Teyla and Sheppard had become over the years. He wasn't sure if this was the moment to say anything about that relationship, but when was he ever the one to deal with personal subjects at the right time.

"Teyla, you and John..." Rodney gave a quick glance to Ronon before continuing. "I mean—well, I just wanted to say that I'm happy for you both. And for Torren of course." Teyla could not help but grin at her friends bumbling well wishes and let him continue.

"I think I speak for most of us, when I say that your good for him and he you. Frankly, you might be one of the few people who actually gets that frustratingly insane man and that is truly saying something." Rodney smirked. "And I know he would do anything for you and your son. But I guess you know that…"

As Rodney's words trailed, Teyla engulfed her friend in a hug.

"Oh, I…" Rodney stuttered out, patting Teyla lightly on the back.

Teyla looked over Rodney's shoulder and met the still silent Satedan's stare. Leaning against the stair rail, arms crossed, Ronon wore a grin that had not wavered the moment Rodney began his rambling. Teyla nodded to him and he returned in kind.

"We have unscheduled gate activity!" The announcement broke the moment and pulled the control room into activity. "Incoming message." Dr. Zelenka yelled out as Rodney ran up to the dialing panel and began to attack some of the controls over his shoulder.

"It's Sheppard!" Rodney yelled, temporarily deafening the other doctor, who was now trying to escape being sat upon by McKay.

Teyla and Ronon ran up to Rodney's side at the consul, their tension and worry quickly being threatened by increasing hope.

"Is that Sheppard?" Woolsey had made it to the control area, the gate's alarm pulling him from his office.

"Sheppard, is that you?" Rodney waved away his 'boss' as he waited for answer.

"Yeah, it's me." Lt. Col. John Sheppard's cocksure voice spilled over the com, setting off a collection of sounds of relief around the room. "So what's going on with you guys…?"

TBC.


	7. Chapter 7

and John would never be the one to step out of the way

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters. If I did, I would have given the show at least two more years to play out.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** A reminder that I am an admirer of Science and a lover of Sci-fi, but I'm not a scientist. So I hope the Sci-fi part of this story doesn't sound too lame. Once again, this is not Beta'd by anyone, so I go with what I know and research what I can. See something that is not correct, drop me a line. My hide is thick (as is my head).Also, I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything. And again, thanks so much for the wonderful reviews. Not only are they appreciated, but useful as well.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.

**Teyla's Choice (cont.)**

by Anne Pendragon

"So what's going on with you guys?"

"John!" Teyla half laughed, half yelled. Relief filling the places in her where tension was easing out.

"Hey, buddy." Ronon rumbled towards the com, his hands upon Teyla's shoulders.

"Christ John, where the hell have you been?" Rodney demanded.

John Sheppard leaned heavily back into the pilots chair of the darkened Jumper, staring out into space. "Honestly, I don't have a clue. I do know that I don't see a planet anywhere. Also know not to dog fight Jumpers ever again and that I **defiantely** shouldn't have had that fifth cup of coffee this morning…"

Teyla shook her head and Ronon snorted while Rodney rolled his eyes. John smiled on the other side of the radio, just happy to be talking.

"I destroyed the ship in time?" The Colonels voice hesitant.

"Yes, John you did." Teyla's smile broad. "Michaels' plan has failed. My people are safe." She could almost picture a cocksure smile plastered over his face right then. She'd never told him how much that smile brought her relief over the years, when situations were unsure. She'd make sure he knew as soon as he got back home. "Now we need to get you back to Atlantis." No one on either side of the radio missed the timbre of Teyla's voice.

"Yeah, about that…" John looked around the darkened controls of his jumper. "Seconds after I took advantage of our newly improvised Asgard beaming technology and sent a nuke into the other Jumper, both ships sent out some sort of strong energy pulse. The last thing I remember is waking up with no power and no view of New Athos."

"The best defense is offense." Rodney muttered. "The jumpers didn't give the other the chance to fire at the other. Your not using Ancient technology to send the first strike threw off the failsafe, but once your Jumper became aware through your control of it with the ATA gene and the rouge Jumper received the nuke, they used protective measures…"

"And sent me flying like a bumper car." John raised his hand to the gash above his head and winced, his fingers coming away sticky with congealing blood.

"…but it was too late." Rodney continued without listening. "The other Jumper didn't have beaming technology or even a pilot for that matter, so it could not dispel the nuke and boom…"

"Boom?" John grumbled. "Take your word for it being that I was kind knocked out at the time. Now if we are done discussing the wonders of Ancient technology can we see about getting a tow here?"

"Col. Sheppard, glad to hear your voice." Mr. Woolsey had been listening to the teams exchange before entering the conversation. "What is the status of you and your Jumper?"

"Me? Shaken, not stirred." Woolsey's brows rose above his glasses at the Colonels response. "As for the Jumper, I have enough juice to talk to you guys, but not much else is working."

"Engines? Life support?" Rodney began to rattle off.

"Fall under the 'not much else' category, Rodney." John snarked back.

"John, if life support has been out since you destroyed the other Jumper…" Teyla began.

"Yeah, I know." His voice lowered. It's gonna get a little cold in here till you come get me."

"A little cold? Try freezing." Rodney exclaimed.

"I was stationed in Antarctica for Christ sake. I'll be fine" He reassured them as much as he was reassuring himself.

"You said you had communications?" Rodney interrupted. "How about your emergency beacon…"

"Rodney, I have communications…" John angrily swiped his hands over the Jumpers controls and received a cool reception from the Ancient flying machine. "And I have communications. And what about the beacon? You're not picking me up?" John's voice rose.

"No, the pulse from the other Jumper took you off our screen. I do find it odd that we have communications and not the beacon so how about I start telling you to push buttons and we go from there..."

Minutes ticked by and between the efforts of the Colonel and the scientist, the communications system became an impromptu beacon.

"Sheppard…" just the way Rodney spoke Johns name told him that came after was gonna suck. "You were thrown a little further from New Athos than expected."

"How far, Rodney?" John demanded.

"Far. There is no Stargate close enough to your location to cut down on distance, so we'll have to go the entire way by Jumper. That will take us at least twenty four hours to get to your location before…"

"Okay, so we're cutting it close with the whole air thing. I'll breathe shallow till I have to use the oxygen from the space suit and the first aid kit. The suits can keep me warm…"

Rodney looked across the consul to Teyla, the com between them. The look alone in the scientist's eyes threatened to stop her heart and tear it in two. _'No! Please…'_

"It won't be enough, John…" Rodney looked away, placing his fingers to the bridge of his nose, while everyone else in the control room could only stand and numbly stare. "Not even close." His voice lowered in dismay. The truth sucked, but it's what he owed John. "I accounted for the air in both tanks and even if we rigged up the…"

"I get it Rodney. It's okay. I get it." John leaned back into the pilots chair once more, his face emotionless as he watched the infinite night outside the Jumper window. And then he sardonically smirked... _'I guess tomorrow I finally do wake up dead.'_ "So I figure you better get a move on and come collect me, then." His voice flat.

It took everything within Teyla not to begin crying right there in the middle of Atlantis's control room. She'd heard that voice before; she'd heard it come from John during some of their worst missions, she'd heard it come from any other warrior who's resigned themselves to their fate. She knew John did not fear his death, but she'd be damned if she'd find herself so resigned to it or allow him to be so accepting.

"We're coming John." Teyla began to back away from the consul, her voice firm. "We are coming and you will hang on." Before John's retort could come over the radio, Teyla was heading down the steps to the Jumper Major Loren had brought to the gate room, Ronon, Rodney and Dr. Keller seconds behind.

"Teyla?" John's voice yelled over the com, but received no answer. "Teyla!"

"Your team is on its way Colonel, along with Major Lorne and Dr. Keller." Woolsey's voice deceivingly proper and professional. "I suggest that you conserve your air and stay warm as best you can so you may welcome their arrival."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Through the Atlantis Stargate to New Athos and then out into the infinite depths of space, the team set course for the lone blip on their screen. Most of the trip had been spent with Rodney loudly berating Dr. Zelenka over the radio while the two scientists hypothesized ways to shorten the Jumpers travel time to John's location. What ideas that didn't get dispelled by the particularly impatient and understandably worried Dr. McKay were now being implemented, but even those shaved away hours were insufficient and the distance between them and John was still too great.

Now, the team sat in silence, with the discomfort of their own private thoughts. They were only a couple of hours away from John's location, but his air supply was close to depletion. Nothing felt right to say or do, but to just to get to their friend as fast as they could and hope that their desperate prayers were given answer.

"Time to call him again." Ronon nudged Rodney in the chair in front of him. It was time for another scheduled call to John. The team did most of the talking during these short calls, willing John to conserve his air…

"_If I knew what it took to get a word in edgewise with you, I would have…"_ Rodney had joked during a earlier call, but thought better of finishing the statement when Teyla, Ronon, Dr. Keller and Major Loren gave him the patented 'Shut up, Rodney!' eye.

"John. It's Rodney. Come in." The sound of silence answered back. "Sheppard!" Rodney's voice rose in concern, turning in his seat to meet the eyes of the others in the Jumper…

John slowly opened his eyes and his focus pulled to the thousands of points of starlight in front of him. _'Must have dozed off…'_

"I'm here, Rodney. Where the hell else would I be?" his voice a weak version of it's sardonic self.

"Yes, well…" Rodney stuttered out, uncomfortable thinking of not where else but how else his friend could be.

"Hey, Sheppard. Still keeping warm thinking of those Aola dancers on Riah?" Ronon rumbled.

"Hey, just one of my top secret Arctic survival skills." John smirked. "It's a classic if you don't have the whiskey." He eked out as he slowly reached around to the back of the space suit he was already using for warmth, and adjusted the air level. The suits themselves had a heating system built into them for the wearer to keep warm in space, but even they had a limited power source and he only had the one.

"Please John, conserve your air." Teyla blushed faintly and eyed her Satedan comrade. "We have some good news since our last call."

John raised a dark brow. "Cool."

"Col. Sheppard, this is Dr. Keller. Are you still using the air from the suit?"

"Yep." Came the brief reply. "So the good news?"

"Yes John. Rodney and Dr. Zelenka have been able to increase our Jumpers engine speed and adjust coarse…"

"Basically a strait line is not always the shortest distance" Rodney interrupted, his nerves getting the better of him again. "We found a detour around…"

Rodney abruptly stopped, the tired glare from his compatriots and the boot smack to the base of his seat silencing him, willing him not to repeat the highly detailed version of the discovery they had suffered through only an hour earlier. Time was just too short for that now—too short for John.

"Let's just say we're closer." Rodney quietly finished.

"So I'll only be half a blueberry Popsicle when you get here." John sarcastically spat. Even he didn't bother to smirk at his own joke. Earlier, Rodney had once again underestimated the Lt. Colonels math and deduction skills when he mentioning the location of John's Jumper. He knew where he was and could estimate where they were and knew the distance in between. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know he was probably screwed if only by a hour or so, but a hour none the less.

An uncomfortable silence had descended over both ends of the radio and it was beginning to eat away at the Colonels earlier stoic acceptance of his probable fate. _'I die in a tin can? A highly evolved tin can—granted, but a tin can?' _John closed his eyes tight and then opened them angrily. _'Damn it, I just started figuring things out, find my place and then this? This job is not done yet—I'm not done yet.' _Uncharacteristic emotion began to well in John eyes, betraying his frustration _'And then Teyla…Torren…the team? DAMN IT!'_ He internally screamed at the stars.

"Teyla." The dark nature of John's voice shot fear into her heart.

Rodney had stood from his seat to allow Teyla closer to the radio, the other members of the team respectfully looking away or moving to the back of the Jumper. They knew John Sheppard didn't believe in goodbyes, but this damn well sounded like one he was about to give Teyla. They would give them as much privacy as they could under the circumstances.

"Please, don't John…" Teyla bit down on the raw ache in her throat. "You can do this. We can do this."

"Maybe" John sat in his suit, his eyes still on the stars. Maybe today was the end, but hearing her say 'we' still gave him a shining sliver of hope. "I just wanted—I just wished I'd **held** you…"

Teyla closed her eyes to stop the tears, but could not stop the half sob. "John…" her heart breaking. She knew what he meant to say and knew saying it was no doubt hard on the achingly private man. His heart felt sentiment being heard by not only her, but the rest of their team and those who manned Atlantis's control room. "You're holding me now, John. You're holding me now…"

John squeezed his eyes tight and kept them closed, his failing resolve fighting a useless battle with his emotions. And then he did something he'd only done precious few times as an adult, an act he could count on one hand. Something he'd only allowed in front of one other person—the same person that held his heart. John Sheppard aloud his tears to fall.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_Two hours later…_

"Atlantis, we are coming up on Col. Sheppard's position. Stand by." Major Lorne met the eyes of the other sober faces in the Jumper. It had been two hours since they'd last had contact with the Colonel, nearly an hour since his air supply was estimated to have run out.

"This is Atlantis." Richard Woolsey answered the call. "We are standing by."

'_Please let him make it through this one. Lord knows the man has nine lives…'_ Woolsey looked to all the tensed faces around the control room and then to the city it's self. _'Atlantis still needs him.'_

Silently, the Major piloted the Jumper closer towards the blip on the screen that signified the other Jumper until they had a visual outside their window. Everyone saw it but no one spoke. No one had spoken for a while now, afraid of voicing what they all feared when John stopped answering their calls.

"We are now within beaming range." Lorne swallowed hard as he looked over to McKay in the seat beside him. "Bring him aboard Rodney. Dr. Keller…" he yelled behind him.

"I'm ready." The doctor, along with Teyla and Ronon had already made it to the back of the Jumper to receive the Colonel. Quickly a flash of light and a space suite clad Col. Sheppard was sprawled out across the floor.

"We got him. Stand by." Major Loren jumped up from his seat and joined the others.

"We have a pulse, but it's weak. He's hypoxic." Dr. Keller yelled as she, Teyla and Ronon pulled John's limp body out of the top of the suit. Rodney had already joined them with the oxygen. Teyla secured Johns head as the doctor quickly placing the mask over her patients face.

"John-JOHN!" Teyla yelled, her hand clutching his as she reached to his bloodied forehead. "Doctor…?" Teyla looked to Jennifer, her eyes wide.

The doctor pushed the Colonels thick hair from his brow and shined her pen light into the wound. "Must have hit his head when the Jumper was shot into space. It's already stopped bleeding, but I'm sure it was enough for a concussion."

"Sheppard didn't say anything about injuries…" Rodney began.

"When does he ever, Rodney?" Jennifer reached for the nearest medical bag and began to pull out her vitals meter and the stitch kit.

"John, please open your eyes. John…" Teyla smoothed her hand over his cheek.

"Hey. Sheppard." Ronon kneeled behind Teyla, grabbing her shoulders tight. "Stop scaring us, man."

After taking the rest of the Colonels vitals, Jennifer looked to all of them. "Guys, we have to give him some time. His blood has to build back up with oxygen and that might take a little bit." The doctor reached over and gripped the hand Teyla held John's with and warmly grinned. "He made it this far—Lord knows how, but he did. So I don't think he's ready to give up on us just yet."

Everyone quietly nodded to the doctor and leaned back in their spots around the Colonel on the floor. Lorne had already made it back to the pilot's seat, readying the Jumper to tow the other craft and head for home.

"Atlantis, this is Major Lorne. The Colonels alive, but he's still unconscious. The doctor is treating him now." The Major could not help a small grin. Unconscious or not, they'd found their friend and leader. "We'll keep you updated on his condition when we know more. We're heading home now with the Colonels Jumper in tow."

A smattering of applause and sounds of relief filled the control room of Atlantis, while Mr. Woolsey lowered his head and grinned. "Good to hear Major. Good to hear…"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Before he even opened his eyes he knew he'd made it. _'So, I guess I'm not waking up dead today…' _The annoying pressure of the oxygen mask strapped to his unshaven face and the crinkle of a foil packet nearby was the give away. And even if the amount of effort it took to raise his hand to push away the mask didn't synch his place in the land of the living, it would have been the familiar smell of antiseptic and ham…?

"Jesus, Rodney. Do you ever stop eating?" A small grin lifted Col. John Sheppard's lips, as he opened his eyes and met his friend the hungry scientists gapping stare across the cabin floor. John tried to move his head to look around him, but found himself too weak and frankly too comfortable to change his position. And then he heard her voice.

"John…" Teyla cried, alerting the rest of the team to John status, sending all but Major Loren to their side.

"Welcome back Colonel." The Major smiled from the pilot's chair.

Looking away from Rodney, John looked up and found Teyla's fathomless eye's and warm smile glowing down upon him, a sight he'd nearly given up hope in seeing again. He felt her hands smoothly caress his face and the firm warmth of her thighs cushion the back of his head. By the look of her, she'd dozed off while being his human pillow.

"If this is the position I should expect to find myself each time I pass out…" John slowly moved his hands back to his chest and felt her fingers entwine with his own.

"You are a strange man, John Sheppard." Teyla got out with some difficulty, the emotion in her great. "I do hope all of this was not in order to get this attention. If so I shall be very cross."

"Now we wouldn't want that." Teyla watched his lips twitch with a hint of mischief, but his eyes told her so much more—more than what either found appropriate to express right then.

"No, we would not." She agreed, a faint blush behind her smile. John attempted a deep chuckle. He loved it when he caught her off balance.

The other occupants of the Jumper watched their friend's playful banter and gave a collective sigh of relief, even as Sheppard's attempt at a chuckle turned into ragged fits of coughing.

"Okay Colonel, enough of that." Jennifer kneeled down beside John and began taking his vitals. "I think you need to stop clowning around and tell us how you forgoed breathing air for as long as you did. I don't think Rodney's calculation could have been that far off…"

"Off? I'll have you know my calculations…"

"Nice to see you too, Rodney." John wheezed a little.

"Sorry, John. I'm glad you're back with us. All of us are." McKay looked to the others and then back to John. "But, you shouldn't have had enough air to survive this long."

"McKay…" Ronon grumbled at the scientist.

John happily smirked at his friends bickering, giving him an odd sense of well being. And then his attentions turned back to Teyla. He caught her eyes once more and held them in a steady stare.

"I'm just saying…" John heard Rodney defend while he caressed Teyla's hand still upon his chest.

"It was the oxygen cylinder in the Doctors away bag." John finally interrupted, smiling up at Teyla and received a gentle grin in return. "I found another emergency kit stashed in between a couple boxes of melons from New Athos. I guess I grabbed the first Jumper I got to in the bay when I left…"

"Well at least you didn't go hungry." Rodney added. Ronon looked away from the scientist and rolled his eyes.

Dr. Keller looked at the Colonel questioningly a moment and then her eyes widened in realization. She looked down to the now discarded suit and found the oxygen tank that came standard with their emergency kits rigged to one of the garments input valves. "My kit from the last trip. I returned with the last shuttle from New Athos. I must have left my away kit on the Jumper when I got back and was called away to the infirmary. I'd forgotten with all that was happening."

"Hey, no complaints here doc. If you want to leave more stuff around in the future, like weapons or ZPM's I'll take that too." Everyone began to laugh from their places on the floor.

Dr. Keller grinned at her difficult and often patient and shook her head, watching the other members of their Atlantis family smile and laugh around him. It was a good day. "I think the Colonel here needs a bit more rest and we do have a long journey back to Atlantis, soooo…"

Ronon nodded and stood, but not before giving John's boot a heavy shake. "Happy you're not dead." The big man smirked, looking at John and then Teyla.

"I'm happy not being dead." John smiled up at his friend. Teyla nodded.

Rodney uncomfortable rose from the floor along with the doctor. "I'm also glad you didn't succeed in trying to kill yourself again."

John's brows bunched as much as the ache in his head allowed. "Thanks. I think?"

"I'll be back to check on you in a little bit." The doctor nodded to the small bandage on Johns head. "It was only three stitches this time…"

"I've had worse." John looked away.

"Yes, I know." Jennifer met Teyla's eyes instead of her patients and sadly grinned. "See that he gets his mask back on him for a little while longer and some rest."

Teyla nodded to the doctor knowingly and watched the other woman join the rest of the team at the front of the Jumper.

"Me rest? How about you?" John's broad hand flattened out over hers still on his chest. "At least I got a few winks with the whole unconscious thing. You look beat..."

"John, why didn't you tell us you found the other oxygen canister or answer our calls after you did?" Teyla quietly but firmly demanded out of the blue, but it didn't surprise him she would ask.

John breathed in, struggling with an answer to give. "I was pretty messed up after our last conversation. I felt…" John looked away. _'Damn, I'm bad at this…'_ "I felt angry—well, I felt really angry. I couldn't stand the thought of loosing you, even if it was me dying and never seeing you again. I couldn't take it…"

Teyla's eyes began to glisten, remembering the anger and fear she had held in her heart at the time. "John…"

"I was also angry that I'd already pronounced myself dead. So I got up and went back into the hold of the Jumper and just started tearing up everything around me, not caring how much oxygen I was using do it." John paused and swallowed. Teyla could hear his voice begin to wear. "Maybe I was looking for something-anything I'd missed earlier to save myself, but mostly it was because of the anger. I didn't want to die…" John quieted a moment and then began again.

"That's when I found Keller's med case amongst the produce I'd flung. After hooking up the tank, I knew I'd probably only get about an hour tops out of it so I stayed silent and I didn't move. I just waited for you guys to come. I guess it did run out at some point, because I passed out and woke up here…"

John didn't get the chance to finish. Teyla leaned over him and held him close, minding the injury to his head. Slowly John's hands raised and slid into her silken hair as it cascaded around him and then over her shoulders. Happily he breathed in the Teyla scented air into his lungs.

They held one another in silence till John's arms became too weak to keep his hold on her and then Teyla gently slipped out from under him to find him an alternative pillow for his head. "I want you to sleep, John." Teyla pulled his head up and placed the pillow under his head, just as he was about to open his mouth to argue. "I shall rest too. I promise."

John nodded his head satisfied. He let his head settle into the small pillow—no substitute for the comfort he had moments ago, and allowed his shoulders to fall back against the mat he'd been placed on earlier. Feeling his eyes closing with sleep, he watched Teyla pull out another mat and blankets, placing them at his side.

His heart hitched and he briefly flinched when she bent over him once more, the feel of her breath warming his face. He cursed himself for the juvenile reaction, but even now it was still hard for him to believe that this woman cared for him, let alone loved him. Teyla just smiled that warm knowing smile she only saved for him. And when she gently kissed his lips, pushing her fingers through the top strands of his midnight colored hair, John could not remember, at anytime in his life, ever receiving anything close to the love and care Teyla gave him now. He hadn't known till now that he was able to feel so much of that love within himself.

"Now sleep John." She firmly ordered. "I'll be here." She pulled away, placing the oxygen mask back upon his face.

John nodded his head again, his eyes lost in hers till sleep shut them tight.

**TBC.**


	8. Chapter 8

John sat silently on the exam room table alone with his thoughts once more

**DISCLAIMER: **Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters. If I did, I would have given the show at least two more years to play out.

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Sorry for the wait, but RL and all. I'm not sure if this is my most favorite chapter, but it does continue the story into the next and possibly final chapter that I do like. I could have spent more time on writing this-to make it smoother, but I have been working more on my own original work and my new page. (**annpendragon./ . **It's pretty fun if you have never done something like that) I hope I at least entertained.

So once again, this is not Beta'd by anyone. See something that is not correct, drop me a line. My hide is thick (as is my head). Also, I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything. And again, thanks so much for the wonderful reviews. Not only are they appreciated, but useful as well.

**WARNING:** Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.

**Teyla's Choice (cont.)**

by Anne Pendragon

John sat silently upon the exam room table alone with his thoughts, the sounds of the machines in the infirmary his only company. It had been less than an hour since returning safely to Atlantis. Once Major Loren had the Jumpers down in the bay, John had been herded by his friends and colleagues past a slightly bemused Commander Woolsey and into the infirmary under Dr. Keller's orders.

'_Like they didn't trust me to go. Am I really that bad?'_ John thought to himself and began to smirk. _'Guess I am…' _

………………………………………………

"_Concussion and lack of oxygen means mandatory exam and a head scan. I just want to be certain that our fearless leader didn't loose too many brain cells." Jennifer had kidded, while Ronon blocked John's way to the Jumper Bay exit making the point clear. _

_A smirking Rodney was a hairs breath away from adding his own two cents about John's brain matter till John raised his finger threateningly in the scientist's direction, silencing him._

"_I'm fine, doc. Look at me, I feel great." The Colonel looked between Jennifer and a slightly amused Teyla at his side. "Had a little nap, had a little O2…" John continued._

"_Had a little concussion." Major Loren said in passing while exiting the Jumper hatch with a grin._

"_Not helping, Major." John warned. The Major saluted, shouldering his gear._

…………………………………………

So here he was once again, atop his usual exam table at the back of the infirmary, now alone and waiting for the doctors go ahead to go ahead and leave.

Teyla had already left to collect Torren John from his temporary care moments earlier, with the promise to return and John had sent Major Loren to update Woolsey. Rodney had shuffled off with Dr. Zelenka, babbling on about Ancient counter measures and power jamming. Their first stop being the mess hall, for Rodney of course, and then the Jumper Bay to tinker with the shorted out Jumper. And Ronon had left for the gym shortly after John was pushed into the infirmary. It appeared that after 48 hours confinement in a Jumper on a flight through deep space with his closest comrades, was all the togetherness Ronon could manage. Frankly, John couldn't blame the guy for having the need to work off the strain of physical and mental atrophy from such a situation and—well, Rodney.

Hell, John envied Ronon his work out, although other sorts of physical activity seemed more appealing to the Colonels physical and mental needs as of late. Ever since waking up on the Jumper floor not dead with his head in Teyla's lap, a whole new strain had been working him from the inside out. _'I just wished I'd held you…' _John gripped the edge of the exam table a little tighter, remembering his own words._ 'I really need out of this infirmary…'_

John's head snapped up from his not so pure thoughts about his teammate when the sound of gurgled babbling entered the quiet room. Said teammate now stood in the doorway smiling brightly, her son gathered in her arms.

"Boy he's grown since I last saw him—I mean since before a couple days ago." Johns smile warm, while carefully watching mother and son approach. "Missed you guys."

"I'm sorry…" Teyla began.

"Don't be. And don't apologize. You needed the time." John's words soft and sincere. "And now you're back."

Teyla looked back to her son and then to John, nodding her head silently in return. The emotion that shown in her eyes making them shine like diamonds in the dim light of the room. "We are."

John cleared his throat and looked away, not trusting himself to continue the subject right then. He was just happy that she was happy back at his side.

"Looks like the little guy had a better couple days then the rest of us?" His smile more playful now, relaxed.

"As it turns out, Torren had Halling and his son as company while we were gone." Teyla gave the child a playful bounce and was met by a string of giggles. "When the others went back to New Athos, they stayed behind to care for Torren and to wait for word on you." Teyla leaned against the exam table, placing her son in Johns waiting arms.

John looked up from the squiggling child, his brows knit in confusion. "Why?" John laid Torren's back flat on his lap, allowing the child to use his stomach as a target for kicking legs.

"Why take care of Torren…?" Now it was Teyla who looked confused.

"Why wait to hear about me? I was fine…" John's brow arched in surprise. Injury came with the job. It was just something he'd grown use to over the years, not comfortable with, but use to. Injury to himself that is, not others around him. Injury to others around him was unacceptable, happened but unacceptable. "I didn't even need surgery…"

Teyla's eyes narrowed. "You were not fine, John." Teyla looked away from him, dusting her fingers over Torrens bare stomach while he kicked away on John's lap. "You once again saved my people from a fate worse than death and then nearly died doing so. Even if that was not the case, Halling and his son consider you family and care what happens to you, as do we all." Teyla's eyes rose to meet John's silent and now sober stare. She could see how her words had touched him. It was all there in his eyes.

"You view those closest to you as your family. You told me that, John. And you've proven it by deed, time and again." Teyla continued while John remained a silent audience. She only hoped that her words were getting through to him this time. "Over the years I have watched your worry—your feelings of responsibility take their toll on you through the decisions you've made to keep us all safe. And it has always been at the sacrifice of your own wellbeing." Teyla continued to play with her son's stomach, her eyes caught up in Johns. "Please John, accept that we feel just as deeply for you in return and worry about you just as much. You may show your care by protecting us, but what we need is for you care a little more for yourself…" Teyla looked away a moment and sniffed and then turned back into Johns still silent stare. "We-I need you to value your life more…"

John reached for the hand Teyla held over her son's stomach, effectively silencing her while gently holding it there. Swallowing hard, he felt his heart held captive by the intuitive woman before him. She was not angry with him. It was sadness that pulled at her features and it was now pulling at John's insides. "I'm trying…" He wasn't sure if he'd succeed, but for Teyla he had to try. "But I'll try harder."

Teyla could only nod and move closer into John's side as response, her emotions too close to the surface in such a public place. How did loving this stoic man seem to make her want to be less so, herself?

"Col. Sheppard. Ms. Emmagon. Torren." Commander Woolsey smiled kindly, nodding to the child in the Colonels lap before returning to the model of professionalism. "I am glad to see you in one piece and back on Atlantis."

John curtly nodded to the Commander. He and Teyla had separated like two caught teenagers once aware of their visitor's presence. Teyla was already gathering Torren John into her arms, getting some very vocal complaints from the active child.

"Da-da…" Torren whined while his little hands tried to hold onto Johns scrubs, catching the attention of everyone in the room.

John felt his chest pleasantly squeeze in realization. _'Is this the kid's first word?'_ His widened eyes darted up to meet Teyla's over the child's bobbing head and knew that it was. Even without Woolsey in the room, John believed he would have had difficulty finding his own words right then.

Teyla had been just as surprised, but just as pleased with her son's first words and to whom he gave them. Eyes full of meaning; she nodded to John in understanding. "I believe my son is in need of a feeding and nap." She bounced the child onto her hip, looking between the Commander and John. "Commander" she nodded to Woolsey. "Colonel" Teyla tilted her head a little deeper towards John.

Both men watched Teyla and Torrens' swift exit in silence. John gently smirked and cleared his throat. _'Da-da...'_

"I can see I am not the only one happy to see your return." Woolsey carefully eyed the Lt. Colonel, always impressed by the other mans ability to steel his emotions and hide behind a nonchalant mask in mere seconds.

John turned back to the Commander, raised brows and a goofy smirk in place. "Actually Dr. Zelenka and Private Dooley looked a little teary eyed when I came down the hall earlier. It was touching." Maybe it was too late to keep he and Teyla's relationship away from Woolsey's notice. There was just too much damming evidence to the contrary and John wasn't about to lie. But he wasn't about to enter into the conversation easily either.

"Yes, well…" Woolsey shook his head, returning to task. "I have already met with Major Loren and Dr. Keller, regarding the last couple of days. And I've decided to meet with your team at 0700 hours tomorrow morning for your report. I figured that your people were in need of an evening off after the long trip."

"Okay." John neutrally replied, watching the Commander tightly smile then adjust his collar.

"I was hoping to discuss something else with you…" Woolsey began.

"Okay, Colonel. I have one more test." Dr. Keller entered the room interrupting the Commander, a bundle of clothes and two empty test tubes in tow.

"Come on, doc." John spied the empty blood vials and felt half thankful for the interruption. "You already took enough to feed Dracula. I mean don't I need to keep some of that in me?"

Jennifer rolled her eyes at her difficult and all too frequent patient, setting the cloths and the tubes on the exam table beside him. "Don't be a big baby. I'll be done with you soon enough. Just gotta make sure Atlantis's Military leader cum superhero is in tip top condition. Commander." The doctor nodded to Woolsey and began to draw more blood from the unflinching Colonel. "Teyla left the cloths with me, by the way. She figured you would have bolted if you had them earlier."

"Smart girl." John grunted. "I'm fine by the way."

"Duly noted, Colonel." The doctor smiled, pulling away the last vial then patted Johns arm. "After I run this last test you can go."

John stood up from the exam table as soon as the doctor walked away and stripped off his scrubs top in favor of a black tee.

"Did you receive those all during your time here on Atlantis?"

John paused, his eyes steadily trained on the Commander. He quickly realized Woolsey had meant the varied menagerie of scars on his torso and arms he'd earned over the years. The visible one's, anyway. Quickly, John lifted the shirt over his head and pulled it down. "Most." His voice casual with only a hint of tension.

Woolsey turned from the Colonel allowing the man to put on his pants. "All in the line of duty, Colonel?"

John grimly smirked, fastening his pants and then reached for his boots and socks. "Yeah, in the line of duty." _'To protect them…'_

Kneeling down, John could feel the other man once again studying him while he tied his boots. He could also feel the subject the Commander had been itching to broach come further to the surface and knew it was making the other man uncomfortable. _ 'Good.'_

John stood up strait and grabbed his belt and sidearm, his eyes now leveled on the Commander—waiting.

Richard Woolsey cleared his throat under the other mans steady stare. It was not the first time that Woolsey had his resolve unsettled by the military man's sometimes hard and direct demeanor. "There are some elemental things I have come to understand working amongst the military population, both here on Atlantis and at the SGC." The Commander began. "One is the strong bonds and care shared within the ranks, the sacrifice of self. And how attachments can affect working relationships…"

"I 'cared' for her long before now, and she for me." John wasn't in the mood for the essay he felt coming. No matter how much he didn't want to discuss his personal life with—well, anyone he was going to let the Commander off the hook and cut to the chase.

His eyes hard and steady upon the other man, John continued. "For five years, we 'cared' beyond a simple 'attachment' to a member of our team. That has **never** compromised our team's ability to do its job." A brief silence, punctuated by the hum and beep of equipment somewhere in the infirmary, filtered in between the men. "She is an integral part of my team. I need…"

"And as an administrator, I would have to agree Colonel." Temporarily silenced, John's brow rose quickly when he didn't get the argument he'd expected. "Your team has a high achievement rate and has proven invaluable to this expedition." Woolsey continued with a little more confidence, knowing he had briefly thrown the unflappable Colonel.

"It appears that combining a brilliant, yet physically and socially inept scientist, an ex-Wraith Runner along with an Athosian who shares DNA with this galaxies darkest enemy, and then placing them under the leadership of a maverick Air Force Major abruptly turned Lt. Colonel with an aversion towards authority has proven successful." John darkly glared at Woolsey's blunt assessment, but kept his silence.

"As an administrator, I have also come to understand the term 'do not fix what is not broken'. And since Ms. Emmagon is not under the jurisdiction of the United States Military or Government; that she volunteers to assist this expedition with her unique and much appreciated talents…"

"You're not taking her from my team?" John's voice cautious.

"I am not." John felt the stifling pressure in his chest lessen. "But I ask that you, as our highest ranking military professional on this expedition, consider the personal repercussions of you and Ms. Emmagon's 'situation' in the field."

And then just like that, John felt something in his chest constrict once more. _'Damn…'_

John stiffly nodded; the conversation was at a close. Mr. Woolsey, saying what he needed to say, squared his shoulders and turned for the door a bit more relieved to have the conversation done.

"Woolsey." Sheppard barked at the Commanders retreating form. "Michael?" John had not forgotten his promise to shoot the hybrid if he was not gone by his return.

Richard Woolsey had not forgotten either. Stopping in the door, he lowered his head. "Tomorrow he will be placed in cryogenic freeze."

John began to angrily shake his head. "That's too good for him. I should have killed the bastard back on PX302."

The Commander turned back to Sheppard and nodded. "With the previous experiences I have had with this sort of situation at the SGC, I would have to agree with you. But keeping Michael alive was not my call." Woolsey watched the Colonel grudgingly nod his head in understanding. "Atlantis is glad to have you back, Colonel. Good night."

John watched the other man leave._ 'Good night?'_ John snorted to himself. _'With Michael alive and in the same city with Teyla and Torren tonight, not likely.'_

Moments later, when Dr. Keller returned with the Colonels clean lab results, all she found were a tangle of scrubs on the floor…

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He told himself he came because it was his job; he was Atlantis's military leader. It was his job to make sure all was accounted for and secure in the city. Right?

It wasn't because of his need to once again see that monster in his cage where he belonged. _'But it is.'_ It wasn't because he wanted to gloat, to stand in one piece before that—thing, and be the proof that once again evil had failed and the good guys won. _'Maybe a little.'_ And it sure as hell wasn't his fear that the hybrid had somehow escaped and was stealing his world away from him once more; that loosing Teyla and Torren was to be inevitable. _'Who the hell am I kidding…?' _ In the end, it was all those things and more.

"Have you come to make sure the bogeyman hasn't escaped the box you've shut him in?" A cold voice leached out behind the bars to greet the Colonel.

John remained silent, half in the shadows of the room. Eyes coldly locked upon the being before him, he felt less relief than he'd hoped seeing his 'bogeyman' still detained.

"Bogeyman. Isn't that what your people call their monsters?" The hybrid scoffed from his place just behind the bars, harsh eyes locked on his captor. "You helped make this monster, John. How easily you all seem to forget the mistakes that repulse you. Then again, everything you would find repulsive in me—in what I have done, you must also see in yourself. Why else the need to 'freeze' me away—to put me down."

Michael's eyes glinted knowingly in the dull light of the room, seemingly unfazed by his fate. _'Why isn't he fazed…?'_ the thought entered Johns mind, but got pushed aside by distracting anger.

"To some degree keeping me around has been like looking in a mirror, for you." Michael continued, pleased with his observations. "See something you don't like, Colonel...?"

John's fists tightened, his nails breaking skin.

"Putting you down is like putting down a mad dog. Personally I would have chosen a bullet to the head." John quickly stepped out of the shadows and up to the bars of the cell. "And I already told you, I'm nothing like you…"

"You keep telling yourself that, but some part of you knows I'm right." Michael sneered in return.

"I know that you're done." John's eyes now hard as Naquadah. "I stopped your last little scheme."

"Yes, a little bird told me." Michael growled and glared with narrowed eyes. His earlier twisted gayety now swiftly turning to anger. "Now you tell me, John. Do you tire of suppressing what you really are, a bogeyman just like me? Do you tire of playing hero? I have come to understand how men such as yourself, men covering up for something they lack, find they must overcompensate. What do you overcompensate for? What do you lack Lt. Colonel Sheppard that makes you a monster?"

John eyes held steady with his enemies. Michael's words had teeth for John, but he'd be damned if he'd let Michael see how he'd clawed under his skin and hemorrhaged his insecurities. John did see the monster within himself, had seen it take physical form, fought it in his nightmares. He hated that side of himself so deeply and yet understood its necessity for being. To make the decision he had to in this world, to endure the things of the past and to come, and to protect those he loved, John Sheppard had to be what he hated most.

"Things like you make me a monster." John finally spoke, his voice cold and even like his stare. "Maybe you didn't choose what you are, but you chose what you became, and so have I." John moved even closer to the bars.

"I will do whatever it takes, be whatever it takes, and give whatever it takes to keep my people, this city and whatever section of the universe safe from all the other monsters like you. But you…" a feral glint grew in John's eyes. "You are willing to endanger the existence of an entire race of people just to satisfy your own selfish need for revenge while you hide behind others. Maybe we are both monsters, but I am nothing NOTHING like you."

John stepped away from the cell, his eyes locked with his enemy's in a final good bye. Walking to the door he found Teyla, Torren John alert but silent in her arms. John's surprise quickly turned to caution. He didn't want them in the same room with this being, let alone in the same city. But the determined look in Teyla's eyes told him to back away from his impulse to intervene. This was her fight. So he watched her walk past him and up to the safety line that was taped to the floor around the holding cell. Her head held high and proud, her eyes leveled at their enemy and John himself could not help but feel the chill in the air and the pride in his chest.

"And where there is one, there is the other." Michael's tone dripping in false hospitality.

Teyla gave no reply, only staring through the prisoner with cold clear eyes. She had needed closure with Michael, so she came here to stand before him and look into her enemies eyes one last time. For tomorrow this horrible chapter of her, Torren and John life was to be closed and then sealed away within a frozen cryogenic crypt.

"Have you and your precious child come to pay your last respects?" Michael's words were once again met by a cold heavy silence.

Something sparked within the Athosian warrior's steady stare. A cold mirthless grin settled upon her lips. "Once I had pity for you and now that time has long passed."

"You must still have some sort of care to come here." Michael stepped closer to the bars, making John flinch and take a step closer towards Teyla and Torren's side.

"I only come to leave you with the understanding of how horribly you have failed in your attempts to destroy and manipulate. I come to show you the true future of man." her eyes slid from Michael's to her son and then looked over her shoulder to John, holding his eye for a moment before returning her attention back to Michael.

"You failed, Michael" her voice even and cold. "You have failed." Teyla stepped away, turning to face John. She had said all she needed to say.

"Bravo Teyla, bravo." Teyla did not turn back while she walked to John in the doorway. She would not give Michael the satisfaction. "But I have not failed. I have already had my hand in this future of man you speak of. Just look at the child in your arms and know that 'monsters' come in all forms." Michael called out to Teyla's retreating form, but his eyes burned aflame into Johns. "And there are no happy endings in the story for any monster. Isn't that right, Colonel?"

Teyla walked the rest of the way to John. She reached her hand to him, pulling his stony stare away from Michael, but unfortunately she could tell not his mind. Her own mind swam with unease and anger for allowing Michael to upset her one last time.

"Isn't that right?" Michael repeated his taunting question after them, but only received the silence of an empty room.

TBC.


End file.
